I need to chart this fatigue

Huh, huh...beaver.

I think I's gonna make an Excel file er supm to chart this fatigue. I am finally feeling a bit motivated today. I did a terrible job of shaving Merlin, did the dishes, and partially cleaned the kitchen. I taked a shower before I did some laundering activities, and then I put the sheets on the daybed down here in da office. I called NAVHOSPJAX about my 18-month physical at the end of January and SunTrust about my online access difficulties. Now, I think I could make that Excel file. However, I am feeling whooped so I think I will take a break in hopes of getting my 10th wind so I can do more stuff.

Last weekend, I didn't even get the kids because I was feeling so damn wiped out. This weekend, I had decided, 'f-it' I ain't gonna bodder wit da house, I'll just let it be a mess. However, now that I am, thankfully, feeling the sparks of a combustion cycle, I do want to use some energies to tidy up. I really want to pass on to them some concept of tidyness and responsibility.

Ok, I'm tired. I fink I's gonna rest now for round two. ding, ding.

Listening to: Bathwater, by No Doubt.

Supm good I wanna share

I was reading someone's blog about a recent sailing race they were a guest on and I wanted to grab a snippet because I like the way he thinks.

***
The wind was howling but, in the case of a 25 ton, steel boat, that’s not a bad thing. The crew concentrated on keeping the boat moving at a rapid pace, I concentrated on keeping my internal contents where they were; the effects of the previous night’s excursions a constant reminder of my fragile state. Giver that I am, I thought long and hard about how I might best contribute to the efforts being put forth by the other ten members of the crew. My careful and studied analysis left me with but a single conclusion: I should stay the hell out of the way. So, in a selfless expression, I went back to bed for a nap.

Listening to: Drift an Die, by Puddle of Mudd

Pepe's Cock

I was sitting in my chair in front of the new barn where Emily's horseys now live. I was talking to Foxy, the beautiful German Shepherd, when I heard a rooster crowing. I got up to see whattup and saw one of Pepe's (the barn owner's) cocks perched atop an old rusty burn barrel.

Listening to: more like, suffering through: The Red Hot Chili Peppers on Project 9-6-1 streaming radio from Hotlanta. Woot!

Scrambling too much to be so damn tired

She has one of the nicest asses I have ever seen.

But, anyway, I am frickin exhausted fer real. Usually this fatigue keeps me floating just above worn out. I walk through most days ready to lay down and take a nap at any available opportunity. Now, I am not floating just above anymore. I'm frickin wiped.

Emily' parents are planning to arrive tomorrow. So, this is bad timing for me to be so tired. I still gots to clean my bathroom, straighten the office, and the living room. I still need to do another coat, but I basically finished the table on the back porch and made it somewhat presentable back there.

Ok, I'm gonna put this in the public Blog. This part doesn't needs ta be in here.

Listening to: Korn on Planet 9-6-1 streaming radio from Atlanta.

I frickin love this guy

This is truly the coolest horse I've ever seen. He has been sharing the pasture with Emily's equine son, so I use it as an excuse to go back there and see him when she goes to get her little man horse.

Yesterday, we went over there fer a BBQ. Then, we did the evening chores, such as bringing the horses in, feeding, watering, etc. Well, actually, I was wiped so I sat on my arse and didn't help much after getting a couple horses in. The other day, I was a frickin train, I mucked a few stalls and got some new wood chips for a few. However, yesterday, I didn't have anything left. I felt good that I had helped the other day so it wouldn't seem so much like I was being lazy.

Listening to: Gone Country, by Alan Jackson.

If I were to have a horse

He'd be just like Cupid. I frickin love this horse. He's the horse version of me and my truck. He's not quite ugly, mildly good-looking, not old but not young either, plenty strong but ain't in no hurry to get no whar, and he's got the coolest frickin mane. It's really thick and unmanageable so they keep it short so it makes this frickin awesome mohawk. Damn, it looks tough. I might consider the idea of having a horse like Cupid, however, nowadays, having a horse is too much of a luxury and thus very expensive. If I could have a bedroll on my saddle and sleep on a patch of dirt, I would do it in a heartbeat.

This is the same reason I won't bother getting another bike. It's become too much of a luxury and subsequently it has become a pain in the arse. Therefore, I will stick to my dream of having something to float on and maybe one day a sailboat. I sure do enjoy visiting Cupid and the other horseys and petting their heads. I am also hoping to get the kids involved in horsey activities. Truthfully, I expect Neriah to be a jock so he will likely have a sport to keep him occupied. Rhianna, on the other hand, I expect to be the gorgeous bookworm type, so I want her to have an interest to shield her from the influence of the other teenage girls and the stoopid boys who will lie to her to enrage her dad and cause him to hafta be the good bad guy.

Listening to: Regular People (conceit), by Pantera

revelation

I just took a shower after getting my hairs cut by Emily and I hadta fall onto my bed and rest fer a minute because the dogs threatened me. Besides, the fear they instilled in me, I was already tired from mucking stalls at the barn yesterday. Then, this morning, I decided to start painting the table on the back porch.

Anyway, as I was laying on my bed, not quite sleeping, just resting, I was given enlightenment. This is why I believe that, regardless of yer religious affiliation, introspection and meditation are the two most important practices for our lives as humans. I was thinking about one of many times, not too long ago, in which I was blessed by God far beyond my comprehension.

Here's the enlightenment part, our usual response, as a human, would be to recall what 'we' did to make it happen. I imagined an awesome analogy, or parable, I guess. Rats in a maze are trained to push a button or a lever or something to get food when they see a light. So, they know that when there is a light, they can get food. Peeps do the same thing but a bit more arrogant. We see a light and get some food, so we try to figger out what 'we' did to trigger the light, not even considering the scientist who is turning the light on and off.

The number in a phone book or the friend's recommendation or walking into a situation at just the right time has nothing to do with 'our' input. It could be anything. How God chooses to make something happen is perfectly fit to the situation. The awesome thing is, no matter how arrogant we are, or how doubtful we are, He is still working and He will still bless us regardless of our choices. What seems to be crystal clear to me is that, while our own foolishness may not stop God's plan, it can get in the way and send our bowling ball down the lane like there are gutter guards. The ball bounces back and forth all the way. It is going to get to the same damm destination. It just has a harder time of it.

Listening to: Over, by Portishead.

Wow, it's cool this morning

Listening to: Bathwater, by No Doubt

Wow, just yesterday, I took this picture. It was the usual beautiful sky and 90 degrees. This morning, however, was the first morning it's actually been cool. 65 degrees, whoa. It's still very nice. I was just surprised at the big drop in temperature. It, again, makes me thankful that I'm down here in Florida. It's frickin the middle of October and it just now gets all the way down to 65. Yeah, ok, I can live with that.


The new nameplate I had made for Emily's horsey' stall is posedta be ready today. I'm kinda excited about pickin it up. I like to make her smile. She makes me warm inside.

Listening to: Perfect Girl, by Sarah McLachlan

Good morning

Listening to: Heel Over Head, by Puddle of Mudd

I slept so nicely and woke up very nicely, too. I am up alone, nutn new. I just had a cup of coffee and a piece of the fabulous cake that Emily made. I saw it on the cover of a magazine at the grocery sto and thought it looked good, so she made it.

She is sleeping still. She is still getting up earlier than usual. I hasta go get her up in a bit so she can get ready to go to da beach. We is gonna go pick up my kids and take them to Anna Maria island. I am really looking forward to it because it is not a frequented beach, so the shells are not picked over, thus they are actually whole. We even saw live sand dollars the last time we went there.

Ok, I is gonna go do a bit more unpacking before I wake her up. I am still not done. Thankfully, she isn't either, from her move down here from KY. It takes the pressure off me. The house being a mess isn't entirely my fault. ;)

Listening to: Whatever, by Godsmack

Took a nap so I'm feeling rested enough to do a couple things

This picture is just a reminder of something I have said many times. You can can try to control yer life and the world around you but it's really pointless. The world is too big for our speckness to be so arrogant as to think we can control anything.

ok, I'm less interested in writing than I thought. I took a nap at like 7:30 til bout 9, so I am feeling pretty motivated fer a change. Now, I need to do some things related to moving in mo betta. I imagine I'll be exhausted again once't I do that.

Ok, enough fer now.

Listening to: Emily's sweet laugh and the gentle breeze of the fan.

I'm melting

When Marci and Lee left, we were anxious to set the A/C above frickin freezing. So, I set it on 80, just to see what that would feel like, since I di'nt know. Well, it never actually got warmer than 78.5 and it's frickin toasty warm. I, with the help of Emily because the chain was fugged, turned the fan on in the office. It feels pretty ok until I go upstairs and adjust the thermostat.

Ok, I think I's done. I rose from my comfy sleep hole because it was hot. I got Emily and I a water. She is feeling awake. I, however, am not. I teenk I may finish this water, adjust the A/C, and make more sleep.

Listening to: Blue Eyes, by The Cary Brothers

Same ol' shite

I'm tard. We just got back from Target and Home Depot. I used what little energies I had to do that minimal shopping. Oh yeah, we went through a furniture store, too. I was mostly just lounging on furniture so we hadsta leave.

These beers is going down so nice. They is finishing off my day nicely. I actually am about to go eat some fishsticks dat I jus made, with Emily. She spoils me with lots of home-cooked goodness, but today she is feeling exhausted like me so, fortunately, she can eat like crap at times like this.

Ok, I go now.

Listening to: Blue Sky, by The Allman Brothers

I love my new backyard

The picture could be better but I's had some drinky drinks. I've only retyped every firkin word so far. I love it here. The weather here is awesome. It gets warm but there's always a nice seabreeze. Beyond the Tamp[a, Fl stuff, I love being 'here'. Emily is such an aesome roomate and the house and the neighborhood is awesome. ok, I's done typin. I think i go drink sum more.

Listening to: Down, by 311

I love living here

Listening to: Time, by Sarah McLachlan

I feel so at home. It has been a while.

I usually think to much, so it's no surprise that I am now. I still need to organize and straighten these thoughts properly. As is my usual concern, I don't want to be all wrapped up in what I want and rush to force my own will instead of patiently allowing God's will to unfold. So, even as I get these thunks figgered out, I still acknowledge them as 'my' plan, which is really just a jumping off point.

Ok, I's done now. I don't feel like writing anymore.

Listening to: Fool In The Rain, by Led Zeppelin

I am so happy

Ok, I's gonna start supm new. I's gonna put what I's listening to at the start and finish of each entry.

Listening to: Situation, by Godsmack

I love my new home. My new roommate is the coolest, I actually feel at home here, the location is the best, and I have internet on my computer again, so I can sit here and enjoy my morning coffee as I write some thoughts in my blizog.

I am up alone, the usual. It works out good because I am up to ensure Emily and her friend Marci are up to go to the beach. I'm not going because Emily said that, although I am an ok roommate, I am repulsive to look at for long periods and she hates me, or supm like that.

I need to get a few things outta my truck anyway and rest, rest, rest. After moving what little stuff I have left yesterday, I am frickin wiped out.

Listening to: The Ocean, by Led Zeppelin

I'm so excited

I have been writing entries in Word and just saving them to my computer in order to sort my thoughts. I may or may not put them in here but the one from this morning I will. I am on the internet on my computer for the first time in months. It's so cool.

I also feel at home for the first time in months. I love it and the fact that Emily seems to be such a cool friend. She also has the same brain injury as me. She doesn't talk funny, so she has the added frustration of seeming normal to most. I am frustrated about talking funny, although peeps who don't know me say they can't tell, but it seems to me that my speech and walking like a drunk, makes it easier for the 'normals' to recognize my damagedness.

Ok, so here be what I writed this morning. I'm excited about being able to and feeling like updating my blizog, but I am still not feeling like doing much of this brainsucker stuff.
************************************************************************
I feel so much better today. I went to bed at 4:30am and got up at 10am, mostly because Emily’s bed is so dern comfortable. She slept on an air mattress downstairs and had me sleep in her bed so I wasn’t disturbed by her or her friend who is visiting. I really wouldn’t mind any so-called disturbance, but she was being considerate so it was easier for me to just accept her generosity. I actually didn’t do my usual ‘waking up at 7 or 8’. I didn’t really rouse until 9:30. I rolled over in the ecstasy of her bed a few times but only made it until 10.

Last night, we were gonna’ go to the beach. However, it started raining pretty good, so, after we stopped at Wendy’s to grab a bite, we just cancelled the beach trip. Instead we went to Target, to grab a few things, until the last minute, as they said, ‘the time is now 9:55…’ Then, since they close at 10 and we were still feeling compelled, we went across the street to Barne’s and Noble. They close at 11, so we could be there until the last minute. It was nice. I haven’t been there in months. I love to browse and check out books.

This morning has been quite nice. I had a cup of coffee and watched Emily shave her dog. It’s been very relaxing. The cable guy is s’posedta come this afternoon. It will be nice to have internet access on my computer again. I’ve had my fill of using the computer at the library.

Listening to: She Belongs To Me by Harry Connick Jr.

The new me is still a new me

I told a friend the other day that I had decided to keep my fatigue between God and me. I am tired of explaining why I'm so tired, for no real reason besides this 'new me' fatigue. Yes, I spend a lot of time at the beach, yes my tan is nice, yes I don't have a job. The dream of sitting at the beach doing nutn is nice but it's kinda like the spoonful o' sugar that makes the medicine go down. I have a list, taller than me, of things I would like to do with my time. However, referencing my favorite analogy, I feel like the Road Runner on a leash. My legs are spinning a hundred miles an hour but I'm being held back by a leash, which is this damn fatigue.

I was reminded, a couple days ago, of how I underestimate my limitation. I have accepted the fatigue and the fact that I'm really not being lazy. However, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that says, 'you are really being lazy. you could do more. if you work harder, it's like working out, you will get stronger.' So, I work a little harder and then I get pain, like someone who needs a back operation. Oh, hells no. Being limited is one thing, but being completely debilitated is entirely another. So, not only do I have to not worry about people thinking I'm lazy, but also this damn voice in my head.

About 6 montha ago, I tried to workout again and overcome this 'weakness'. I ended up going to a chiropractor because I had non-stop shooting pains in my lower back. It helped, but, as I'm thinkin' now, it was really a muscle thing. My spine did x-ray as a crooked mess. However, I think the non-stop work of two kids, a house, and then trying to work out on top of it was just the straw that broke the cripple's back.

The adjustments by the chiropracker were good, but I think I really just needed the rest. Kinda like now. A couple days ago, I felt a taste of that same pain. It wasn't as intense, but it was the same pain. Resting, or being lazy as I try not to call it, did the trick. It was few things I had done but I think mostly the everyday 'gonna get better' things that did it. Simple little shite like trying to run up the stairs, or even traverse the stairs without using the handrail. It's not much to the 'normals' but all day long, it takes it's toll on an old cripple.

The pain is still just outside the door, like a grisly old reaper ready to come in and torment me.

I worked on my book a bit this morning. This has a lot to do with my lack of blog posts. My energy is precious nowadays and must be rationed and budgeted. So, since writing requires energies, I save it for my book, because I really have a lot to say and think it will be good if I ever get it done.

Listening to: Mistakes, by Godsmack

OTC cleaning out the truck

I went to the beach again this morning. Before sitting in the sand in my umbrella chair wit my book, I parked the truck in the parking lot on the side that is right next to the water. I listened to the waves, which were actually crashing today, while I finally cleaned out the back back seat of the truck. I had basically piled everything up back ther since I moved down here. Today was the perfect time to do it. I enjoyed my coffee and took my time organizing my tool boxes, cooler, etc.

After I was done, I parked in the other parking lot, so I would walk past the foot-rinsing thing as I left. I picked a nice spot at the edge of the beach by the freaky trees with the above-ground roots. I enjoyed that spot, reading my book, for 20 minutes or so, until the little sunamabitches showed up. Some ants just decided to form a line and attack me. So, I moved on over to a shady spot beneath a palm tree.

I had a revelation as I sat there and read. The revelation was inspired by what I read. It was enlightening about my sitiation, too. The writer, John Eldredge, spoke of living by the mind and by the heart. This led me to develop my own two cents on this one. It is like anything, gotsta have moderation. Infidelity is a decision based on living by the heart. Living by the mind leads one to be cold and heartless. Hippies are all heart. Their lack of using their mind is what makes me dislike them so.

It really fit well into my thoughts about faith. I have been awestruck by people like some friends' daughter. She just does things without regard for all the possibilties for failure, and things work out. I am more on the side of the masses who fear the possibilities and, although I trust in God's will and feel He will bless me beyond my comprehension, I fear the challenges ahead.

So, here's what I came up with. Although, I feel I have learned to live by my heart a lot mo, I feel I have a ways to go still. Along the lines of moderation, I think there is a balance to achieve. Something like 50% mind and 50% heart. Ideally, I think the 'good' mix would be 40-60% for both.

The hippies would be at like 90% heart and 10% mind. The guy who is uncomfortable with feelings but is unstoppable in the business world, or fixing jets, would be around 10% heart and 90% mind. Since growing more accustomed to my new career as a beach bum and appreciating what's truly important, I feel I have learned to use my heart a lot more. I think I'm somewhere around 41% heart and 59% mind.

Listening to: The cute old lady next to me talking about strange pop-ups.

A reminder that it is possible

The picture ended up being crap, but I will recognize what it is. The sun was bright, etc.

Anyway, the library is about to close and I need to go walk my roommate's dog, so I don't plan to write much. I just wanted to post this picture and a few quick words. I was sitting at the beach with my book in my lap. I brought it to read but ended up just looking around and listening to the waves.

So, as I was looking around, the old couple next to me in the shady spot beneath the palm trees, walked, hand in hand, out into the water. The picture, obviously, doesn't capture the beauty of the scene.

Listening to: the murmur of soft voices over there and the clicking of keyboards all around me.

Rainy day at the beach

I still enjoyed the opportunity to sit in the truck at the beach for coffee and reading this morning. Life is still dynamic and I am actually thankful for the place God has led me to. All the things I've been blessed with are nice but I am really thankful for the scariness of life now. Why? You ask. Because, I am comfortable with the fact that I am not trying to control so much and, as scary as it is, happy that I am dependent on God's blessings and direction.

Claudio and Tham have a daughter that I envy because of her total faith in God's will. I am prolly a little better than most but nowhere near the complete surrender she's at. For example, she recently received a free laptop. No, not some old outdated, piece of crap. One that I would love to have. She also went on a mission trip with a friend to Mexico with like $200 and just winged it, knowing that God would provide. He did. Her and a friend not only survived but lived decently for a couple weeks.

This is why I am thankful to be where I am. I am still far from the complete surrender of Iris, Claudio and Tham's daughter, but I have come a long way from where I was two years ago. I, for the first time in many moons, feel very comfortable with what I believe. I am also very happy with where God has led me, even though it is a lot less sure than where I was a few years ago when I was making too much money as a Naval officer.

I am going to go sit in the comfy library chair and read now. I am a bit too distracted by the cute girl across from me who keeps letting me see her beautiful eyes. Then, I think I'm gonna head on down to gits me a .99 double cheeseburger from that place and take it to the beach wit me.

Listening to: my pounding heart and the clicking of keys all around me.

God is awesome

Yeah, I imagine with that title for this entry, I have precluded the reading of this entry by most peeps. Such is life. I really write this crap for me anyway.

I don't write as much anymore. I have been using the computer at the library for internet access and half the time, I just don't feel like it. My roommate said he could get an outlet installed in my room at no cost to him and the connection is included in my rent, which is a big plus, but I would still have to buy a modem. So, eh. I like this library anyway. When I'm done on the computer, I sit in a comfy chair over there and read. Besides, this way, I have to have a bit more focus. I don't just waste time on the computer like I did at home.

I am finding more and more lately that I have been limiting God's blessings in my life by trying to control too much. I am constantly reminded of how God's awesome will works so perfectly and I get blessed far beyond my comprehension. I can see the perfection because, due to God's slower timing, I have had a chance to think about how I want to do things. Then, when I come up with what seems to be an ok plan fer me, God's awesome plan unfolds and everything just seems to fall into place and not only do the things that I stress about work out but also things I didn't even consider.

I am getting sleepy being on here. Today is a lazy day. I talked to a friend on the phone last night until 2 so I sleeped until noon today. It's been a while since I slept that late. It felt good. It has been rainy today so it just seems to be the perfect day fer it. I think I go read now.

Listening to: A cute little Asian boy whispering to the one who seems to be his older brother.

The bliss of wrenching

I haven't been online for a few days so, beyond my absence from this blog, I haven't done my routine Myspace visits. Therefore, this entry will likely be a bit long due to the delay and having a lot to say.

Last Friday, a day early, I came on up here to GA. The kids came back from Cali early so I spent a few days with them, while I had the opportunity, going to the library, the beach, etc. However, I ran outta money (gas) to do anything with them and since I already had the trip money set aside, I went ahead and left, a day early.

The first night in GA, I stayed at my mom's and spent the next day with her. I was happy to take her to get a new cell phone. She had her outdated phone for a few years so getting a cool new one for free was way overdue.

That next afternoon, after phone shopping, etc., I headed on up here to Toccoa, to my father-in-law's. I know I should call him my 'ex'-father-in-law or 'a friend', but neither one sounds right to me.

The first night up here, we did part 2 of the heads/camshaft swap on the Elk. We got the headers disconnected and the heads removed. He is changing the camshaft and the heads because the 500hp beast only ran on racing fuel, 93 octane 'premium' wouldn't quite do it because of the compression.

The second night, two nights ago, the reason we are both still exhausted, we were out in the garage until 9:30 or 10:00 doing part 3. We got the lifters, water pump, radiator, and camshaft removed. The threads on the block for the heads were also re-tapped to clean and sharpen the threads for accurate torquing of the heads.

As we each took a side of the engine and wrenched away, I was reminded of the beautiful experience that is wrenching on something with someone you love. I hope to share this joy with my son much. The sound of strong breathing through noses, sweat dripping as I feel the head of a bolt, because I can't see it.

I am also reminded of why I love math and machines, which are so closely related. A+B=C. What you put in directly corresponds to what you get out.

I am exhausted but it's definitely a good tard. I feel like I accomplished so much. I am once again thankful that God not only gave me the opportunity to feel this way but also that God made me the way I am and also made Butch in a similar way and put me in a position to know him.

In between giving the Elk love, we also gave his daughter's Mustang some attention, and replaced the 'dog-bone' (motor mounting bracket) in his wife's Caddy, which required some customization, my favorite. He had another one but it was for another car so we had to modify it to make it fit.

This Friday morning I plan to head down to Athens, my reason for making this trip and source of much fear. I trust in God's will and don't fear that. My fear is in facing the challenges ahead.

Friday afternoon, I plan to go see TGB; spending the afternoon at the pool before enjoying some refreshing beverages at her house and spending the night. Saturday, I plan to go see Claudio and Tham and spend the night before my morning departure the next day for Ruskin, FL.

Listening to: the gentle whispers at the library here in Toccoa, GA

The first post in the new land

It has been a while since I posted in here. I have been using the computer at the library, so it took a while for me to adapt. My new roommate has a computer with internet but I don't want to use his computer. I could get an internet connection for my computer, but this library is awesome and close. I am also trying to make some changes in my life, one of which is living without the constant internet availability. Just like my new concerted speech makes me think before I speak, going to the library makes me think before I connect.

One of the other awesome changes is not drinking every day. I have no problem being a drunk. However, I have been holding steady at a two-pack for over a year now. I did 150 crunches the other day and I am actually seeing some improvement. My dream of the six-pack abs may actually heppen, now. The reason I ain't be drinkin every day now is because my new roommate goes to ALANON meetings. So, since I have to go elsewhere to drink, I often don't bother.

I weighed myself and, this morning. I was at 166. 40 pounds less than my post-hospital weight. I always wanted to be over 200. The only way I could get there was to be a fat, lazy bum in the hospital. As soon as I got active again, bam, it fell off and I'm back to fluctuating around my standard weight of 174, which I was before the accident. The sad thing is, I spent an extra $50 a month on supplements and ate 5,000 calories a day, trying to be over 200. Now, I work out a fraction of the amount I did and eat one meal a day to acheive the same weight and muscle-tone even. If I get the six-pack, I'll actually be in better shape than I was.

I'm gonna go read now. I'm tired of lookin at this thing.

Listening to: the clicking of many keyboards around me.

Strong but ain't in no kinda hurry ta git nowhar

I got up early today and yesterday to work on my truck so I could help my father-in-law in the garage. I only changed the plugs, wires, distributor cap, rotor, and air filter, but I had to split it between the two mornings. The truck is so much happier, though. TGB's dad took care of the truck, but it looked like the plugs, etc. hadn't been changed in a while.

While I was test-driving it, mostly 'cause I just felt like going for an early-morning drive through this beautiful country up here, I thought again about something, another reason why I am so happy to be blessed with this truck. It is like me, very strong but in no hurry to get anywhere. It has no problem moving it's 5,000 pound arse, even when it's loaded down as it is now, but it isn't in a hurry. I love that truck.

It looks like Butch is up and at 'em so I guess I'm gonna' head on out to the geerage.

Listening to: Beer In Mexico, by Kenny Chesney

Toccoa Pit Stop

I had to use a picture on their computer because I'm up here in Toccoa at my father-in-law's. That's an old Jaguar he used to have. Ain't nutn like a V-12.

Anyway, I'm pit-stoppin up here in Toccoa. I had planned to stop by on my way to FL and spend one night. However, after I talked to him, I learned that he needed my help, so I will stay another day or two. I'm taking him to a routine doctor visit today, then I am going to help him move some stuff around in the garage, etc.

He is like me, he has a list pages long of things to do, but can only do a piece of it, especially without the help he rarely gets. I was frickin exhausted before I even started loading the truck to leave Athens. However, there are a few things that I would use my last drops of energy for; something for the kids, something to help Shalane, and something to help Butch. As I used to say, 'I can sleep when I'm dead'.

Ok, I must go now. Before I do, I do have to note that I took advantage of my opportunity yesterday, while I was up here. Butch couldn't eat so I went alone to Bell's, not the grocery store, the one-of-a-kind burger joint. Holy Cow, every time I go there, it's the best burger I ever had.

Listening to: peace and quiet.

Ok, maybe this one is the last

I sent a text a few minutes ago that really expresses my feelings. I have to think hard to remember, but it is nice to be drizunk at 1:30 on a Wednesday. Life as a cripple is hard, but it sho nuff got it's pirques.

I also got another example of why Myspace is so awesome. I just heard from another person that I haven't heard from in years, like 14 actually.

Listening to: The Razor's Edge, by AC/DC

I need a new way to say I'm frickin tard

I am going to tear this computer down in a little while, so this will likely be my last post here. However, in a little while. I'm frickin tard. I took some items to Shalane's storage and loaded some items in the truck. A few boxes, I packed full of books, so they were a bit heavy. This has gotsta be the hardest challenge I've ever faced. But, I am thankful that God has blessed me with the time to get it done. It's hard, but do-able.

Tomorrow, I plan to finish loading the truck and head to Butch's. Whew. Then, I will have the easy part, drive to Tampa, FL and find a place to live. Pshaw. Fortunately, God has blessed me with a ginormous truck, so if I hasta, I can sleep in it, likely at a state park or supm, so I can use the shower.

I think I must go talk to my best friend now. I need to rest fer a second before I get back to work.

Listening to: Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand, Primitive Radio Gods

The Broken Badass is feeling good today

I am tired, as usual, especially after much work on Sat. However, I am feeling pretty good today. I think it has a lot to do with being forward-moving again. For many months now, I have felt like I was in a holding pattern.

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I am tired all the time, it seems, which I'm still getting used to. But, I think the reason it's had such an affect on me is because I have had no choice but to lay back and feel it. Being tired is a pain, but I fixed jets for the Navy for many moons and there were countless days that I didn't get more than two hours of sleep. I didn't have time to be tired, I could sleep when I'm dead.

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Now, I get tired easier, but I can work tired, if I have a goal. I am planning to leave for FL in a few days. I still have a lot to do, but, totally trusting in God's will, I can do it.

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I'm going to go replenish my best friend, he's feeling empty inside.

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Listening to: Ocean Size, by Jane's Addiction.

Here I am in my human-ness

I trust that God is doing and will do awesome things. In my human-ness, though, I'm a scared little speck. I have determination and the ability to do much, but the challenge ahead is very intimidating. So many things have fallen into place, leaving not much.

I only have a few days before I plan to leave. I think this fatigue really affects my fear. I have only a few days and so much to do and I am frickin tard from moving a refrigerator and lots of other items yesterday. It is such a struggle between rest and doing things because I feel lazy for resting when there are things that need to be done. If I do more then I don't get the next burst of energy. Grrr.

I am, once again, throwing my hands up and asking God to do His awesome will because I am lost.

Listening to: The Becoming, by Nine Inch Nails

Drizunk

I had another thunk while I was in the shower just now. I shaved my head before my 'slowing down'. I grew my hair out because the ex-wife-creature wanted me to. I kept it after she leaved me because of friends peer pressuring me and the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable, as they often are, especially when I take off the disguise and my tattoos are visible.

Now, I'm thinking I really don't want to concern myself with it anymore. It's hot, and will be in Florida, I will still be presentable in a diguise, I am content, finally with being single, and I don't want to hide me anymore. I love to make others happy, but if that means sacrificing me than, no. I am a bald, not shiny bald cause that's too much work, tattooed guy who wants to live on a sailboat and wants to help his kids, and even his ex-wife-creature, to be successful.

Listening to: Hollow, by Pantera

Tired but high on life

My father-in-law is still down in Tampa, FL, so he wasn't there when I got there today, but I took a picture of his car anyway. I don't wanna fergit before I leave. I got to drive this 500hp beast. I can die happy now.

I also need to get a picture of him. I don't even have one anymore. I had an awesome one of him and his wife, before and after, at their wedding and now, 27 years later, but the ex-wife-creature took it. Makes sense, I reckon, it's her dad. It just happened to be a special picture to me. Actually, this is why writing this crap helps, I need to see if I can get one of my own.

Whew. I am finally done with that part of this wonderful experience that is ending one life and starting a new one. I put the items that the ex-wife-creature was letting me use til the end, like the tv and the recliner, in her storage. Then, I took the fridge and the awesome doghouse I builted up to Butch's.

I write this crap for me, because it is very therapeutic and I want to look back on it and see the changes. However, if somebody happens to read this, I want it to be somewhat coherent. This is why I will say certain things, like what I'm fitna.

I am tired, as usual, but now I'm frickin tard. My vision is an excellent indicator of when I am really tired. It's like a gas gauge. It shows me clearly when I'm in the red. Usually my vision is like taking a hundred pictures a minute. It's clear but it's constant work. I think this has a lot to do with the fatigue I struggle with. Today, I muscled a refrigerator, a large doghouse and plenty of other items.

Holy crap, I just had to come back and edit this because I didn't even say it. My vision is a great indicator... Now, I am so tard that it's like being drunk. Not like I can't drive. Ya' know when yer drunk and you try to focus because yer eyeballs keep losing focus? Well, the difference is, I can actually get the focus, it's just more work than usual. It's still only a fraction of a second, but when I live with it, it's noticed. Ok, now, I go drink more.

Strength is not a problem. I am so glad that God has allowed me to keep that. I used to work so hard for it. I worked out 5 or 6 days a week, ate 5,000 or so calories a day, making sure to regiment my meals, eating 5 or 6 meals a day, and I took supplements to help me have energy and gain weight. Pshaw. Maybe 50 or so extra bucks a month to accomplish what I have now.

Now, I eat one meal a day, on average, drink beers every day, haven't worked out in months, and still weigh the same 174 pounds and am just as strong and tone as I ever was. The difference is, before I was arrogant about what a badass I was. Now, I realize even more that I have an over-sized badassness gland. However, I am thankful that God blessed me with who and what I am. I am thankful, again, that I was allowed to keep what I have. As I've said a hundred times, life is hard, but I am thankful that I can still do so much like drive, fix, build, lift.

Today is a great example of why I am a God-lover. I went to Uhaul to get an appliance dolly to move the fridge. They didn't have one. They checked and the nearest one available was frickin way over there, like 25 miles away. Aw damm. However, someone left a Ryder appliance dolly in one of their trucks. Awesome. So, I got to borrow an appliance dolly for free.

It's a small thing, I know, but life is made up of all these small things. And they really mean something big when you look at the big picture. This would have meant either driving way ovar or muscle-f'in the fridge. When this little thing is added to the other little things over the course of a week or a month or a year, I have no doubt that God is blessing me in ways that I couldn't imagine.

Ok, I'm gonna go drink more beers, in the garage, I guess. I gave the ex-wife-creature the chairs on the front porch, too.

Listening to: Planet Caravan, by Pantera

sweatin to the sunrise

A few years ago, when I would get up way too early to put on my very sharp uniform, complete with all the required pieces of flair, I would not have liked to be sweating first thing. Now, when I go outside, first thing and start sweating, I actually appreciate it. I am glad to live down here in da dirty souf, yo.

I am awaiting the arrival of Art, a second-cousin-in-law or something. He is going to help me put some items in Shalane's storage and bring the fridge, etc. to Butch's, my father-in-law. I need to take a picture of the doghouse, I guess. I am giving him the doghouse I made. It's pretty cool. It's something I am pretty proud of. I love to design, create, and build, but some things like the trash thing or the recycle bin I made are just eh.

Ok, Art's here. Gotta go.

Listening to: Man Of Constant Sorrow, by The Soggy Bottom Boys

The way has been cleared

God has cleared the way for me to leave at the end of the month. The last piece of mail I was waiting for, the VA letter, arrived. So, I mailed the letter from them and the DFAS letter. I priority mailed the tax return transcript two days ago and using the signature confirmation number, I confirmed it arrived.

I had to go to the post office for my heezy, oops, to do the change of address. But, it's done. So, now I have to take some items to the ex-wife-creature's storage and deliver some items to the father-in-law's house, both this weekend. That's when my help will be available, not everyone is an old retired cripple like me.

Then, the change of address takes affect on the 28th. I plan to leave that weekend.

Listening to: Hold Me, by Fleetwood Mac

In a country mood

I forgot to take a picture of Claudio and Tham at the airport. Grrr. I took them to ATL this morning for their flight to Nicaragua. I have already been tired from the last minute preps for moving to FL. However, this morning was extra special. I got up at 4 to be over there at 0 dark thirty to pick them up.

They live in the neighborhood adjacent to this one, the 'rich side' I call it. Their house is only 100,000 more than mine, pshaw. Not much, but the homes over there are all newer and brick. Theirs, actually, isn't as much as some over there. Mine is old, 8 yrs, haha, and a mere 230,000. Some of the homes on their side are two and three times as much as this one.

So, she had to donate the perishables to me because they won't be there for a few weeks. It wasn't much but one of the items was a big yummy ripe tomato. I just made an awesome sammidge with it. Mmm.

Listening to: I hope you dance, by Lee Ann Womack

Can't sleep again

These last few weeks, my mind is running nonstop, even more than usual. I am glad that God's will is happ'nin, I can see so many examples of it. It helps me to be at peace when I am faced with these very intimidating challenges.

When the kids were here, I didn't have so much time to fear. I just had to do. There was no option but to make it happen. This is why I was so good in the Navy. I am good at working against the clock or overcoming way too much. God made me this way and I am thankful for it.

Now, however, I am alone, so I have more chance to think about things. In my human-ness, I think of all the reasons to fear, to fail.

On a more positive note, today was good. I went out to take care of a few things and, in the process, I was reminded of why my self-asteem should be much more than it has been. Also, that I don't have to be desperate or anxious to be with someone anymore. I miss cuddling, and what I thought was love, but I am actually content with getting to know me.

Ok, this time, writing isn't really helping me. I'm just feeling sad.

Listening to: Goin' Down, by Godsmack

speechless

I am exhausted, nothing new. I am a broken record, I know. But, I hope to look back on this and see a definite differnce. In the beginning, the changes were daily. Every day when I woke it was something new, such as walking unassisted, or talking, or taking a shower unassisted. Now, when I wake every day, it seems like the same old shite. However, if I look back a few months, I see a big change. It's slow, but it's happ'nin.

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Ooh, the thunder sounds so good. I hope it pours. It will go well with my tiredness. I need to do lots, but a lot of the stuff I need to do, I can do inside. I can finish this water, then open the front winders and talk to my best friend as I do dishes and pack, etc.

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Ok, not what I was intending to write about. I went to my aunt's funeral today. I have been intending to go visit them for the past year since I have been nearby. She was not that old or even sickly. However, I waited too long. She went to the hospital for pneumonia and was even scheduled to go home today, after a few days. She was apparently doing fine and then they said that is wasn't pneumonia, it was lung cancer and, bamm, she died.

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It is extra painful for my mom, I imagine. Her sister died on her birthday. My mom was also recently diagnosed with cancer, differnt kind, and has since gone through the treatment that was supposed to have eliminated it. They will confirm in a couple weeks.

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I haven't been to a funeral that really affected me since a friend shot himself in high school. I really regret not going to see them until now.

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It was an interesting opportunity, though. I saw family that I hadn't seen in 14 years. I also met family I had never seen. It was family that I actually missed. Actually, I think that's all of my family, especially since my 'slowing down'.

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It was a stark reminder of how we have to take advantage of opportunities. If we let ourselves get wrapped up in and distracted by the 'crap' in life, the train of life will steam right on through and we may miss something. Just like these teenage years my punk darlings are about to go through, once they're gone, they're gone. Just like the guys I saw in the hospital who couldn't do 'anything', regret is permanent sometimes.

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Listening to: Rebel Rouser, by Duane Eddy

Music is good

I'm tired, nothing new. I drank my 14 cups of water today so I feel I am properly hydrated to start talking to my best friend. I think I'm going to assemble some sort of dinner and... No, actually, I think I'm going to relax on the front porch for a minute with my best friend before I go take a shower.

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I did a lot of dirty work today and sweat a lot. I mostly packed the garage items and packed a few boxes in the office.

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Claudio and Tham invited me to come over tomorrow for food. I told them, last night, that I was thinking on going to see my father-in-law. I just needed to check with him. I did and I fergitted that he is in the area of FL that I plan to be in soon. So, he is unavailable, which means I get to go see Claudio and Tham. I love going over there. They are very enjoyable people and they always make my belly happy.

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Aw damn, it's Sat not Sunday. My best friend isn't going to make it through the weekend. I need to replenish him after I take a shower, before I start talking to him.

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Ok, well, I guess I need to go take a shower and go to Wally World.

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Listening to: Pale September, by Fiona Apple

I'm glad God is working, 'cause I'm skeert

I went to my bankruptcy hearing this morning, thinking I would be basically done with my part. I was not happy to discover that the paralegal who helped me submit this paperwork, didn't make it clear to me the importance of a tax return.

So, I was re-scheduled for the 27th of July. I was planning to leave here at the end of the month. Now, I am examining the feasibility of leaving at the end of the month and coming back next month. Otherwise, I am in a holding pattern.

The trustee's office sent me a letter saying they needed this by the 14th. I got the letter on the afternoon of the 13th. Awesome. So, even if I had it, which I don't, I wouldn't be able to get it to their office in Macon. Grumble, grumble. I can't really complain because I didn't make sure I had a copy. The mother-in-law did our taxes and I let her send the only copy. I let myself be distracted by the wife leaving me and raising two kids alone, waah, waah, whatever.

So, when I got the letter, I called the IRS and requested a transcript. I verified today, and it was actually mailed on the 13th. I thought, at least the next morning. wow. So, I need to get that and send it to their office in Macon. Then, I plan to take Claudio and Tham to the airport on the 21th. After that, I need to load the truck and take some items to Butch's house in Toccoa and Shalane's storage.

Holy crap! I just talked to the VA and DFAS, which is the miltary pay peeps. Anytime I talk to these government-employed low-rent mf'ers, I am reminded of why I don't like to talk to them. I use to be in charge of over a hundred people. If they were as unmotivated and unprofessional as these people, I would fire their ass.

Yes, the difference is, in government work you can't really be fired, unless you kill sumbody er supm. However, you still have a boss and he can give you a shit job that you don't like doing enough that you will correct yerself. Grrrrrr! I wanna choke sumbody. Where is their boss? That's the guy I wanna punch in the throat.

Anyway, after I get the paperworks I need, I am really in a holding pattern again. I think it might actually help me to disconnect the cable, internet, electricty, etc. My truck likes to slurp the gas but I think it would actually be cheaper for me to come back. Shalane might actually be able to let me borrow the Saturn that used to be mine. It gets twice the gas mileage as my beast of a truck.

Listening to: Vampires, by Godsmack

Je suis tres fatigue

I sat on the porch watching a bright green lizard and talking to my best friend. I told him, the lizard, "I am a docile human" but he left anyway. I guess he had a previous engagement or something.

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As I just stumbled through the house to my bathroom, I thought man I'm gonna miss this house. I stumbled, half because I'm an old cripple guy, and half because my best friend made me. I had that thought because I was stumbling, so my steps were loud, which made me think about under the house, which I've been a few times.

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I thought about how it would sound down there. It's a pretty nice under-the-house as far as they go, in my opinion. The half by the door over there is tall enough for a short person to stand up. My 6'2" can't quite do it. It was going to make an awesome room for kids. The other half over here is dirt and tapers up to about 3'. Plenty of crawling room.

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Ok, enough typing for the inebriated guy. Oh yeah, and for the record, Christian is a biotch. He's from SoCal, ya know how they are out there.

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listening to: Escape, by Metallica

Feel like I just ran a marathon

I am so tired..again. Yeah, nothing new. Yesterday, I apparently overdid it and, as usual, didn't even notice. I had to go to the laundromat, for the first time, because I gave the ex-wife-creature the washer and dryer. Since the kids left, it's just me so I can do a load or two at a laundromat. I then came home and did more move prep.

I did the last load at a friend's but I decided not to go over there anymore until I leave for FL. It's too depressing. I go to the pool and see happy in-love people and other reminders of what I am leaving to go to FL. I also drink too much and ignore life for a mintue. That might be ok, but there's too much to do. At home, I still drink one or two, haha, but I can still do things.

It feels like a long time and a short time until I leave. I am ready to get gone, but I am intimidated by the daunting task of doing what needs to be done before I do go.



Listening to: Steady As She Goes, by Lil' Cap'n Travis

Can't sleep

I can't seem to sleep. I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with napping earlier. I came home from Claudio and Tham's at about 4:30 pm. I did a couple things and ate some of the leftover barbecue. I washed it down with one or two or a few refreshing beverages.

After I was full and slightly inebriated, I took a nap on the couch. I woke up and did the usual, started drinking water. After getting tired of the mindless crap on tv, I came into the office to read some of the more thoughtful items on Myspace. I do my share of reading/watching the mindless stuff on Myspace, but now I'm not in the mood.

I think the other reason I'm up this late is because the time is nigh. Not much time left before I plan to head down there. I'm beyond averse. I've accepted that it is the direction God would have me go. I am just ready to get it done. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.

Listening to: Chase the Ace, by AC/DC

The barbecue

I just got done getting some furniture outta here. I was just emotional support and then, being the supportive guy I am, I had to join them in having a refreshing beverage.

Now, I am fitna go take a shower and head over to Claudio and Tham's to help them eat barbecue. See, I'm a giver.

Listening to: Brimful of Asha, by Cornershop

Holy Cow

I live with it everyday but I am still amazed at how easy I get tired. I just woke up late from my depressing night of being sad and drinking, and I decided to do some more move prep.

Trying not to think about how I shoulda known better, I went into my closet and put some cold-weather items such as wool sweaters in a box. Then I put cool weather items, that I don't expect to need anytime soon but just in case, in a suitcase. I also put my everyday wear items, such as shorts, etc. in another suitcase. I also moved some furniture that someone is planning to pick up tomorrow and put some expensive gay store clothes in the cool weather suitcase.

A lot of this crap, I'm not sure why I even keep it. I guess, for the just in case, and also because I am changing in increments. Ties and nice gay store sweaters that I used to be able to afford could be useful, I guess. It is nice to be able to put on the disguise, if needed. It's a big process to go from the clean, pressed, cocky prick to the no-gel, shorts-wearing, beachbum I am now.

I never wanted to be a beachbum, to be honest. I know this is a dream for most people, but I have always been, and still am even though I'm limited now, a hyper freak. There is too much to do. I still feel the same way, but, thankfully, I have no choice now but to slow down and appreciate what's truly important. I really am glad that God smacked me in the face with reality and did so while allowing me to keep the important things.

I look forward to being the ex-wife-creature's friend, being a dad with the free time to be super-involved, and helping people with the skills and abilities I have been allowed to keep. I am so close now. I am just ready to get down there and start this new life. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.

Listening to: Rat Salad, by Black Sabbath

Late entry

I fergot to post this after my morning coffee. I had two guests join me, a centipede and a little frog. This is the stoopid little crap that a simpleton like me lives for. It makes all these challenges and this cripplenes worth it.

Listening to: Someone in London, by Godsmack

Thank God

I was laying on the couch, watching Fight Club in my sad state. Then, I gets a call from a friend who says he is coming by to share a refreshing beverage. Once he gets here, he explains to me that he was feeling compelled to come by and talk to me. When he talked to me on the phone and I mentioned feeling down, he was sure.

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I haven't had a Heineken in forever, since I had lots of money, and it was nice. I forgot how good they are. Wow.

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Listening to: Sleep to Dream, by Fiona Apple

Sad

This is even cooler than my hot rod lawnmower.

I just left a friend's house after spending the day at the pool. Instead of drinking and socializing this evening, I came home to drink alone because I'm feeling kinda down. I was reminded today of what I am giving up to go to FL. I know it is best and I believe that God has a better plan than I can imagine. I am just bummed, in my humanness. I know also that what I am giving up may not be what I hoped but I would rather have a chance at something I have always dreamed of than a guarantee of something else.

Ok, that's all I can do. I will go drown my sorrows now.

Listening to: Milk, by Garbage

Here I am again

Frickin exhausted again. I just vacuum'd the hall, living room, and ex-gym. I also, put all my bathroom items in a bathroom suitcase thing. Then, I put some clothing items in a suitcase. Then, I packed a box with some books, etc. and my awesome tactical bag with some books, etc.

I was about to go back into the closet to pack some cold-weather clothes when I slowed down long enough to realize I'm whooped, again.

So, I assumed the position on the front porch. As I was finishing my 10th 8oz. serving of water, and reminiscing about the Toblerone the chocolate fairy brought me that I had just sampled, mmm, I thought about something. I looked at the awesome sky, as I often do, appreciating the blue sky and white clouds being the background for 100 or so feet tall trees.

I looked down at my yard and the much nicer yard across the street. I looked at a wasp buzzing around by me, investigating the front door. I looked at a carpenter bee, nosing through the flowers on some bush right there. I looked at the truck that is far more than I imagined getting.

I, then thought about my challenges and struggles. I thought about getting tired too damm easy. I thought about giving up everything I ever dreamed of to move to Florida. I thought of the work ahead to actually move to Florida at the end of the month. I, then thought that if I could go back to 'normalcy', I thought if I could go back to what I was before but it meant giving up this experience, no way.

Forget the new appreciation for what's really important, realization about so many things, such as my value. Forget these, I am just thankful for the opportunity to sit on the front porch at this house I always dreamed of, looking at this neighborhood that I always dreamed of, feeling this perfect weather, knowing that my kids are happy and will still have a much better life than I had growing up, regardless of the stoopid of their parents.

Even if it's just for a short time, I am thankful to have this experience. So much of life is this way, in my opinion. I guess it depends on who you are.

Listening to: Star Spangled Banner, by Jimi Hendrix

The chocolate fairy

I went to get a haircut and donate some items to the Potter's House thrift store. On my way back, I decided to stop by and see if my suspicion was correct. It was, Claudio and Tham was the chocolate fairy. Apparently, I didn't hear the doorbell.

Well, while I was there, Tham gave me some watermelon. I come home with food every time I go over there. This is good for me because food is one of my bestest favorties. She invited me over for another barbecue on Sunday. Hells yeah. Lots of good food.

Listening to: Shadowboxer, by Fiona Apple

Gotta keep track

That's the whole point here. I was just looking back and noticed that I didn't write anything about the town that seems to be for me. Originally, I was thinking I wanted to be in or near Port Richey because it seems like a perfect out-of-the-way town. Also, the real reason, I guess, is that there is a sailing school there.

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Like computers, I know just enough to be dangerous. I know knots that the average person has never heard of. I also know the basics about sailing and am familiar with the life and feel I can do it. I am, however, no expert. This is why I thought I could go to the sailing school and make sure my knowledge can be applied properly.

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After much deliberation, it looks like a little town called Ruskin is perfect. Since I plan to live on my military disability retirement, I don't need to be near the city. So, farms, old people, it's on the coast, and still only 20 minutes from where the kids will be, perfect.

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So, for the next handful of years, my primary focus will be the punk darling childrens. In the meantime, I can hang out around the old salts and glean knowledge and shop for a boat. I can also do the hard thing, wait on God's will and see if I am taking the right steps.

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Listening to: Wasted, by Mazzy Star

Road Runner on a leash

I am so tired of being tired. Although life is painful and challenging, I am thankful for what I still can do and have, which includes a new appreciation for what's truly important. This is why writing is so good. I get so frustrated and afeared of the daunting task ahead of me and how I am just wiped out so often. I feel like I am just being lazy. If I do more because of feeling lazy, like I often do, I get even more wiped out.

I swear, it's like being the frickin road runner with a leash. The legs are doin their superfast spin, but I'm just held back. This fatigue is a mofo, though. It's not like real tired. It sneaks up and hits me from behind. I don't feel wiped out until after I do something. I can mow the lawn, I'm fine. Weed eat, I'm fine. Go through clothes and files and all the other move prep stuff, I'm fine. Then, when I stop, bamm! I'm frickin lazy again.

I used to feel so lazy before, too. I would get up at 4 go to work, on the ship until whenever, then come home and work in the garage, or the yard, or the office, until midnight or so. Then, get up at 4 the next day and do it again. This was not the lazy time. I would go like this for 3 or 4 months and then, like now I would be wiped out for a couple weeks. I didn't see it so clearly until now.

Now, I've realized it's the same routine just a different scale. Instead of going for months, I go for a few days, much shorter days, and then I'm wiped for a few days. I can accomplish so much in a short time, still. I'm thankful for that. This is why writing is so good. I have to remember what I have to be thankful for.

Listening to: Brimful of Asha, by Cornershop