Toccoa Pit Stop

I had to use a picture on their computer because I'm up here in Toccoa at my father-in-law's. That's an old Jaguar he used to have. Ain't nutn like a V-12.

Anyway, I'm pit-stoppin up here in Toccoa. I had planned to stop by on my way to FL and spend one night. However, after I talked to him, I learned that he needed my help, so I will stay another day or two. I'm taking him to a routine doctor visit today, then I am going to help him move some stuff around in the garage, etc.

He is like me, he has a list pages long of things to do, but can only do a piece of it, especially without the help he rarely gets. I was frickin exhausted before I even started loading the truck to leave Athens. However, there are a few things that I would use my last drops of energy for; something for the kids, something to help Shalane, and something to help Butch. As I used to say, 'I can sleep when I'm dead'.

Ok, I must go now. Before I do, I do have to note that I took advantage of my opportunity yesterday, while I was up here. Butch couldn't eat so I went alone to Bell's, not the grocery store, the one-of-a-kind burger joint. Holy Cow, every time I go there, it's the best burger I ever had.

Listening to: peace and quiet.

Ok, maybe this one is the last

I sent a text a few minutes ago that really expresses my feelings. I have to think hard to remember, but it is nice to be drizunk at 1:30 on a Wednesday. Life as a cripple is hard, but it sho nuff got it's pirques.

I also got another example of why Myspace is so awesome. I just heard from another person that I haven't heard from in years, like 14 actually.

Listening to: The Razor's Edge, by AC/DC

I need a new way to say I'm frickin tard

I am going to tear this computer down in a little while, so this will likely be my last post here. However, in a little while. I'm frickin tard. I took some items to Shalane's storage and loaded some items in the truck. A few boxes, I packed full of books, so they were a bit heavy. This has gotsta be the hardest challenge I've ever faced. But, I am thankful that God has blessed me with the time to get it done. It's hard, but do-able.

Tomorrow, I plan to finish loading the truck and head to Butch's. Whew. Then, I will have the easy part, drive to Tampa, FL and find a place to live. Pshaw. Fortunately, God has blessed me with a ginormous truck, so if I hasta, I can sleep in it, likely at a state park or supm, so I can use the shower.

I think I must go talk to my best friend now. I need to rest fer a second before I get back to work.

Listening to: Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand, Primitive Radio Gods

The Broken Badass is feeling good today

I am tired, as usual, especially after much work on Sat. However, I am feeling pretty good today. I think it has a lot to do with being forward-moving again. For many months now, I have felt like I was in a holding pattern.

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I am tired all the time, it seems, which I'm still getting used to. But, I think the reason it's had such an affect on me is because I have had no choice but to lay back and feel it. Being tired is a pain, but I fixed jets for the Navy for many moons and there were countless days that I didn't get more than two hours of sleep. I didn't have time to be tired, I could sleep when I'm dead.

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Now, I get tired easier, but I can work tired, if I have a goal. I am planning to leave for FL in a few days. I still have a lot to do, but, totally trusting in God's will, I can do it.

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I'm going to go replenish my best friend, he's feeling empty inside.

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Listening to: Ocean Size, by Jane's Addiction.

Here I am in my human-ness

I trust that God is doing and will do awesome things. In my human-ness, though, I'm a scared little speck. I have determination and the ability to do much, but the challenge ahead is very intimidating. So many things have fallen into place, leaving not much.

I only have a few days before I plan to leave. I think this fatigue really affects my fear. I have only a few days and so much to do and I am frickin tard from moving a refrigerator and lots of other items yesterday. It is such a struggle between rest and doing things because I feel lazy for resting when there are things that need to be done. If I do more then I don't get the next burst of energy. Grrr.

I am, once again, throwing my hands up and asking God to do His awesome will because I am lost.

Listening to: The Becoming, by Nine Inch Nails

Drizunk

I had another thunk while I was in the shower just now. I shaved my head before my 'slowing down'. I grew my hair out because the ex-wife-creature wanted me to. I kept it after she leaved me because of friends peer pressuring me and the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable, as they often are, especially when I take off the disguise and my tattoos are visible.

Now, I'm thinking I really don't want to concern myself with it anymore. It's hot, and will be in Florida, I will still be presentable in a diguise, I am content, finally with being single, and I don't want to hide me anymore. I love to make others happy, but if that means sacrificing me than, no. I am a bald, not shiny bald cause that's too much work, tattooed guy who wants to live on a sailboat and wants to help his kids, and even his ex-wife-creature, to be successful.

Listening to: Hollow, by Pantera

Tired but high on life

My father-in-law is still down in Tampa, FL, so he wasn't there when I got there today, but I took a picture of his car anyway. I don't wanna fergit before I leave. I got to drive this 500hp beast. I can die happy now.

I also need to get a picture of him. I don't even have one anymore. I had an awesome one of him and his wife, before and after, at their wedding and now, 27 years later, but the ex-wife-creature took it. Makes sense, I reckon, it's her dad. It just happened to be a special picture to me. Actually, this is why writing this crap helps, I need to see if I can get one of my own.

Whew. I am finally done with that part of this wonderful experience that is ending one life and starting a new one. I put the items that the ex-wife-creature was letting me use til the end, like the tv and the recliner, in her storage. Then, I took the fridge and the awesome doghouse I builted up to Butch's.

I write this crap for me, because it is very therapeutic and I want to look back on it and see the changes. However, if somebody happens to read this, I want it to be somewhat coherent. This is why I will say certain things, like what I'm fitna.

I am tired, as usual, but now I'm frickin tard. My vision is an excellent indicator of when I am really tired. It's like a gas gauge. It shows me clearly when I'm in the red. Usually my vision is like taking a hundred pictures a minute. It's clear but it's constant work. I think this has a lot to do with the fatigue I struggle with. Today, I muscled a refrigerator, a large doghouse and plenty of other items.

Holy crap, I just had to come back and edit this because I didn't even say it. My vision is a great indicator... Now, I am so tard that it's like being drunk. Not like I can't drive. Ya' know when yer drunk and you try to focus because yer eyeballs keep losing focus? Well, the difference is, I can actually get the focus, it's just more work than usual. It's still only a fraction of a second, but when I live with it, it's noticed. Ok, now, I go drink more.

Strength is not a problem. I am so glad that God has allowed me to keep that. I used to work so hard for it. I worked out 5 or 6 days a week, ate 5,000 or so calories a day, making sure to regiment my meals, eating 5 or 6 meals a day, and I took supplements to help me have energy and gain weight. Pshaw. Maybe 50 or so extra bucks a month to accomplish what I have now.

Now, I eat one meal a day, on average, drink beers every day, haven't worked out in months, and still weigh the same 174 pounds and am just as strong and tone as I ever was. The difference is, before I was arrogant about what a badass I was. Now, I realize even more that I have an over-sized badassness gland. However, I am thankful that God blessed me with who and what I am. I am thankful, again, that I was allowed to keep what I have. As I've said a hundred times, life is hard, but I am thankful that I can still do so much like drive, fix, build, lift.

Today is a great example of why I am a God-lover. I went to Uhaul to get an appliance dolly to move the fridge. They didn't have one. They checked and the nearest one available was frickin way over there, like 25 miles away. Aw damm. However, someone left a Ryder appliance dolly in one of their trucks. Awesome. So, I got to borrow an appliance dolly for free.

It's a small thing, I know, but life is made up of all these small things. And they really mean something big when you look at the big picture. This would have meant either driving way ovar or muscle-f'in the fridge. When this little thing is added to the other little things over the course of a week or a month or a year, I have no doubt that God is blessing me in ways that I couldn't imagine.

Ok, I'm gonna go drink more beers, in the garage, I guess. I gave the ex-wife-creature the chairs on the front porch, too.

Listening to: Planet Caravan, by Pantera

sweatin to the sunrise

A few years ago, when I would get up way too early to put on my very sharp uniform, complete with all the required pieces of flair, I would not have liked to be sweating first thing. Now, when I go outside, first thing and start sweating, I actually appreciate it. I am glad to live down here in da dirty souf, yo.

I am awaiting the arrival of Art, a second-cousin-in-law or something. He is going to help me put some items in Shalane's storage and bring the fridge, etc. to Butch's, my father-in-law. I need to take a picture of the doghouse, I guess. I am giving him the doghouse I made. It's pretty cool. It's something I am pretty proud of. I love to design, create, and build, but some things like the trash thing or the recycle bin I made are just eh.

Ok, Art's here. Gotta go.

Listening to: Man Of Constant Sorrow, by The Soggy Bottom Boys

The way has been cleared

God has cleared the way for me to leave at the end of the month. The last piece of mail I was waiting for, the VA letter, arrived. So, I mailed the letter from them and the DFAS letter. I priority mailed the tax return transcript two days ago and using the signature confirmation number, I confirmed it arrived.

I had to go to the post office for my heezy, oops, to do the change of address. But, it's done. So, now I have to take some items to the ex-wife-creature's storage and deliver some items to the father-in-law's house, both this weekend. That's when my help will be available, not everyone is an old retired cripple like me.

Then, the change of address takes affect on the 28th. I plan to leave that weekend.

Listening to: Hold Me, by Fleetwood Mac

In a country mood

I forgot to take a picture of Claudio and Tham at the airport. Grrr. I took them to ATL this morning for their flight to Nicaragua. I have already been tired from the last minute preps for moving to FL. However, this morning was extra special. I got up at 4 to be over there at 0 dark thirty to pick them up.

They live in the neighborhood adjacent to this one, the 'rich side' I call it. Their house is only 100,000 more than mine, pshaw. Not much, but the homes over there are all newer and brick. Theirs, actually, isn't as much as some over there. Mine is old, 8 yrs, haha, and a mere 230,000. Some of the homes on their side are two and three times as much as this one.

So, she had to donate the perishables to me because they won't be there for a few weeks. It wasn't much but one of the items was a big yummy ripe tomato. I just made an awesome sammidge with it. Mmm.

Listening to: I hope you dance, by Lee Ann Womack

Can't sleep again

These last few weeks, my mind is running nonstop, even more than usual. I am glad that God's will is happ'nin, I can see so many examples of it. It helps me to be at peace when I am faced with these very intimidating challenges.

When the kids were here, I didn't have so much time to fear. I just had to do. There was no option but to make it happen. This is why I was so good in the Navy. I am good at working against the clock or overcoming way too much. God made me this way and I am thankful for it.

Now, however, I am alone, so I have more chance to think about things. In my human-ness, I think of all the reasons to fear, to fail.

On a more positive note, today was good. I went out to take care of a few things and, in the process, I was reminded of why my self-asteem should be much more than it has been. Also, that I don't have to be desperate or anxious to be with someone anymore. I miss cuddling, and what I thought was love, but I am actually content with getting to know me.

Ok, this time, writing isn't really helping me. I'm just feeling sad.

Listening to: Goin' Down, by Godsmack

speechless

I am exhausted, nothing new. I am a broken record, I know. But, I hope to look back on this and see a definite differnce. In the beginning, the changes were daily. Every day when I woke it was something new, such as walking unassisted, or talking, or taking a shower unassisted. Now, when I wake every day, it seems like the same old shite. However, if I look back a few months, I see a big change. It's slow, but it's happ'nin.

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Ooh, the thunder sounds so good. I hope it pours. It will go well with my tiredness. I need to do lots, but a lot of the stuff I need to do, I can do inside. I can finish this water, then open the front winders and talk to my best friend as I do dishes and pack, etc.

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Ok, not what I was intending to write about. I went to my aunt's funeral today. I have been intending to go visit them for the past year since I have been nearby. She was not that old or even sickly. However, I waited too long. She went to the hospital for pneumonia and was even scheduled to go home today, after a few days. She was apparently doing fine and then they said that is wasn't pneumonia, it was lung cancer and, bamm, she died.

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It is extra painful for my mom, I imagine. Her sister died on her birthday. My mom was also recently diagnosed with cancer, differnt kind, and has since gone through the treatment that was supposed to have eliminated it. They will confirm in a couple weeks.

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I haven't been to a funeral that really affected me since a friend shot himself in high school. I really regret not going to see them until now.

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It was an interesting opportunity, though. I saw family that I hadn't seen in 14 years. I also met family I had never seen. It was family that I actually missed. Actually, I think that's all of my family, especially since my 'slowing down'.

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It was a stark reminder of how we have to take advantage of opportunities. If we let ourselves get wrapped up in and distracted by the 'crap' in life, the train of life will steam right on through and we may miss something. Just like these teenage years my punk darlings are about to go through, once they're gone, they're gone. Just like the guys I saw in the hospital who couldn't do 'anything', regret is permanent sometimes.

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Listening to: Rebel Rouser, by Duane Eddy

Music is good

I'm tired, nothing new. I drank my 14 cups of water today so I feel I am properly hydrated to start talking to my best friend. I think I'm going to assemble some sort of dinner and... No, actually, I think I'm going to relax on the front porch for a minute with my best friend before I go take a shower.

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I did a lot of dirty work today and sweat a lot. I mostly packed the garage items and packed a few boxes in the office.

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Claudio and Tham invited me to come over tomorrow for food. I told them, last night, that I was thinking on going to see my father-in-law. I just needed to check with him. I did and I fergitted that he is in the area of FL that I plan to be in soon. So, he is unavailable, which means I get to go see Claudio and Tham. I love going over there. They are very enjoyable people and they always make my belly happy.

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Aw damn, it's Sat not Sunday. My best friend isn't going to make it through the weekend. I need to replenish him after I take a shower, before I start talking to him.

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Ok, well, I guess I need to go take a shower and go to Wally World.

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Listening to: Pale September, by Fiona Apple

I'm glad God is working, 'cause I'm skeert

I went to my bankruptcy hearing this morning, thinking I would be basically done with my part. I was not happy to discover that the paralegal who helped me submit this paperwork, didn't make it clear to me the importance of a tax return.

So, I was re-scheduled for the 27th of July. I was planning to leave here at the end of the month. Now, I am examining the feasibility of leaving at the end of the month and coming back next month. Otherwise, I am in a holding pattern.

The trustee's office sent me a letter saying they needed this by the 14th. I got the letter on the afternoon of the 13th. Awesome. So, even if I had it, which I don't, I wouldn't be able to get it to their office in Macon. Grumble, grumble. I can't really complain because I didn't make sure I had a copy. The mother-in-law did our taxes and I let her send the only copy. I let myself be distracted by the wife leaving me and raising two kids alone, waah, waah, whatever.

So, when I got the letter, I called the IRS and requested a transcript. I verified today, and it was actually mailed on the 13th. I thought, at least the next morning. wow. So, I need to get that and send it to their office in Macon. Then, I plan to take Claudio and Tham to the airport on the 21th. After that, I need to load the truck and take some items to Butch's house in Toccoa and Shalane's storage.

Holy crap! I just talked to the VA and DFAS, which is the miltary pay peeps. Anytime I talk to these government-employed low-rent mf'ers, I am reminded of why I don't like to talk to them. I use to be in charge of over a hundred people. If they were as unmotivated and unprofessional as these people, I would fire their ass.

Yes, the difference is, in government work you can't really be fired, unless you kill sumbody er supm. However, you still have a boss and he can give you a shit job that you don't like doing enough that you will correct yerself. Grrrrrr! I wanna choke sumbody. Where is their boss? That's the guy I wanna punch in the throat.

Anyway, after I get the paperworks I need, I am really in a holding pattern again. I think it might actually help me to disconnect the cable, internet, electricty, etc. My truck likes to slurp the gas but I think it would actually be cheaper for me to come back. Shalane might actually be able to let me borrow the Saturn that used to be mine. It gets twice the gas mileage as my beast of a truck.

Listening to: Vampires, by Godsmack

Je suis tres fatigue

I sat on the porch watching a bright green lizard and talking to my best friend. I told him, the lizard, "I am a docile human" but he left anyway. I guess he had a previous engagement or something.

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As I just stumbled through the house to my bathroom, I thought man I'm gonna miss this house. I stumbled, half because I'm an old cripple guy, and half because my best friend made me. I had that thought because I was stumbling, so my steps were loud, which made me think about under the house, which I've been a few times.

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I thought about how it would sound down there. It's a pretty nice under-the-house as far as they go, in my opinion. The half by the door over there is tall enough for a short person to stand up. My 6'2" can't quite do it. It was going to make an awesome room for kids. The other half over here is dirt and tapers up to about 3'. Plenty of crawling room.

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Ok, enough typing for the inebriated guy. Oh yeah, and for the record, Christian is a biotch. He's from SoCal, ya know how they are out there.

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listening to: Escape, by Metallica

Feel like I just ran a marathon

I am so tired..again. Yeah, nothing new. Yesterday, I apparently overdid it and, as usual, didn't even notice. I had to go to the laundromat, for the first time, because I gave the ex-wife-creature the washer and dryer. Since the kids left, it's just me so I can do a load or two at a laundromat. I then came home and did more move prep.

I did the last load at a friend's but I decided not to go over there anymore until I leave for FL. It's too depressing. I go to the pool and see happy in-love people and other reminders of what I am leaving to go to FL. I also drink too much and ignore life for a mintue. That might be ok, but there's too much to do. At home, I still drink one or two, haha, but I can still do things.

It feels like a long time and a short time until I leave. I am ready to get gone, but I am intimidated by the daunting task of doing what needs to be done before I do go.



Listening to: Steady As She Goes, by Lil' Cap'n Travis

Can't sleep

I can't seem to sleep. I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with napping earlier. I came home from Claudio and Tham's at about 4:30 pm. I did a couple things and ate some of the leftover barbecue. I washed it down with one or two or a few refreshing beverages.

After I was full and slightly inebriated, I took a nap on the couch. I woke up and did the usual, started drinking water. After getting tired of the mindless crap on tv, I came into the office to read some of the more thoughtful items on Myspace. I do my share of reading/watching the mindless stuff on Myspace, but now I'm not in the mood.

I think the other reason I'm up this late is because the time is nigh. Not much time left before I plan to head down there. I'm beyond averse. I've accepted that it is the direction God would have me go. I am just ready to get it done. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.

Listening to: Chase the Ace, by AC/DC

The barbecue

I just got done getting some furniture outta here. I was just emotional support and then, being the supportive guy I am, I had to join them in having a refreshing beverage.

Now, I am fitna go take a shower and head over to Claudio and Tham's to help them eat barbecue. See, I'm a giver.

Listening to: Brimful of Asha, by Cornershop

Holy Cow

I live with it everyday but I am still amazed at how easy I get tired. I just woke up late from my depressing night of being sad and drinking, and I decided to do some more move prep.

Trying not to think about how I shoulda known better, I went into my closet and put some cold-weather items such as wool sweaters in a box. Then I put cool weather items, that I don't expect to need anytime soon but just in case, in a suitcase. I also put my everyday wear items, such as shorts, etc. in another suitcase. I also moved some furniture that someone is planning to pick up tomorrow and put some expensive gay store clothes in the cool weather suitcase.

A lot of this crap, I'm not sure why I even keep it. I guess, for the just in case, and also because I am changing in increments. Ties and nice gay store sweaters that I used to be able to afford could be useful, I guess. It is nice to be able to put on the disguise, if needed. It's a big process to go from the clean, pressed, cocky prick to the no-gel, shorts-wearing, beachbum I am now.

I never wanted to be a beachbum, to be honest. I know this is a dream for most people, but I have always been, and still am even though I'm limited now, a hyper freak. There is too much to do. I still feel the same way, but, thankfully, I have no choice now but to slow down and appreciate what's truly important. I really am glad that God smacked me in the face with reality and did so while allowing me to keep the important things.

I look forward to being the ex-wife-creature's friend, being a dad with the free time to be super-involved, and helping people with the skills and abilities I have been allowed to keep. I am so close now. I am just ready to get down there and start this new life. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.

Listening to: Rat Salad, by Black Sabbath

Late entry

I fergot to post this after my morning coffee. I had two guests join me, a centipede and a little frog. This is the stoopid little crap that a simpleton like me lives for. It makes all these challenges and this cripplenes worth it.

Listening to: Someone in London, by Godsmack

Thank God

I was laying on the couch, watching Fight Club in my sad state. Then, I gets a call from a friend who says he is coming by to share a refreshing beverage. Once he gets here, he explains to me that he was feeling compelled to come by and talk to me. When he talked to me on the phone and I mentioned feeling down, he was sure.

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I haven't had a Heineken in forever, since I had lots of money, and it was nice. I forgot how good they are. Wow.

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Listening to: Sleep to Dream, by Fiona Apple

Sad

This is even cooler than my hot rod lawnmower.

I just left a friend's house after spending the day at the pool. Instead of drinking and socializing this evening, I came home to drink alone because I'm feeling kinda down. I was reminded today of what I am giving up to go to FL. I know it is best and I believe that God has a better plan than I can imagine. I am just bummed, in my humanness. I know also that what I am giving up may not be what I hoped but I would rather have a chance at something I have always dreamed of than a guarantee of something else.

Ok, that's all I can do. I will go drown my sorrows now.

Listening to: Milk, by Garbage

Here I am again

Frickin exhausted again. I just vacuum'd the hall, living room, and ex-gym. I also, put all my bathroom items in a bathroom suitcase thing. Then, I put some clothing items in a suitcase. Then, I packed a box with some books, etc. and my awesome tactical bag with some books, etc.

I was about to go back into the closet to pack some cold-weather clothes when I slowed down long enough to realize I'm whooped, again.

So, I assumed the position on the front porch. As I was finishing my 10th 8oz. serving of water, and reminiscing about the Toblerone the chocolate fairy brought me that I had just sampled, mmm, I thought about something. I looked at the awesome sky, as I often do, appreciating the blue sky and white clouds being the background for 100 or so feet tall trees.

I looked down at my yard and the much nicer yard across the street. I looked at a wasp buzzing around by me, investigating the front door. I looked at a carpenter bee, nosing through the flowers on some bush right there. I looked at the truck that is far more than I imagined getting.

I, then thought about my challenges and struggles. I thought about getting tired too damm easy. I thought about giving up everything I ever dreamed of to move to Florida. I thought of the work ahead to actually move to Florida at the end of the month. I, then thought that if I could go back to 'normalcy', I thought if I could go back to what I was before but it meant giving up this experience, no way.

Forget the new appreciation for what's really important, realization about so many things, such as my value. Forget these, I am just thankful for the opportunity to sit on the front porch at this house I always dreamed of, looking at this neighborhood that I always dreamed of, feeling this perfect weather, knowing that my kids are happy and will still have a much better life than I had growing up, regardless of the stoopid of their parents.

Even if it's just for a short time, I am thankful to have this experience. So much of life is this way, in my opinion. I guess it depends on who you are.

Listening to: Star Spangled Banner, by Jimi Hendrix

The chocolate fairy

I went to get a haircut and donate some items to the Potter's House thrift store. On my way back, I decided to stop by and see if my suspicion was correct. It was, Claudio and Tham was the chocolate fairy. Apparently, I didn't hear the doorbell.

Well, while I was there, Tham gave me some watermelon. I come home with food every time I go over there. This is good for me because food is one of my bestest favorties. She invited me over for another barbecue on Sunday. Hells yeah. Lots of good food.

Listening to: Shadowboxer, by Fiona Apple

Gotta keep track

That's the whole point here. I was just looking back and noticed that I didn't write anything about the town that seems to be for me. Originally, I was thinking I wanted to be in or near Port Richey because it seems like a perfect out-of-the-way town. Also, the real reason, I guess, is that there is a sailing school there.

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Like computers, I know just enough to be dangerous. I know knots that the average person has never heard of. I also know the basics about sailing and am familiar with the life and feel I can do it. I am, however, no expert. This is why I thought I could go to the sailing school and make sure my knowledge can be applied properly.

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After much deliberation, it looks like a little town called Ruskin is perfect. Since I plan to live on my military disability retirement, I don't need to be near the city. So, farms, old people, it's on the coast, and still only 20 minutes from where the kids will be, perfect.

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So, for the next handful of years, my primary focus will be the punk darling childrens. In the meantime, I can hang out around the old salts and glean knowledge and shop for a boat. I can also do the hard thing, wait on God's will and see if I am taking the right steps.

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Listening to: Wasted, by Mazzy Star

Road Runner on a leash

I am so tired of being tired. Although life is painful and challenging, I am thankful for what I still can do and have, which includes a new appreciation for what's truly important. This is why writing is so good. I get so frustrated and afeared of the daunting task ahead of me and how I am just wiped out so often. I feel like I am just being lazy. If I do more because of feeling lazy, like I often do, I get even more wiped out.

I swear, it's like being the frickin road runner with a leash. The legs are doin their superfast spin, but I'm just held back. This fatigue is a mofo, though. It's not like real tired. It sneaks up and hits me from behind. I don't feel wiped out until after I do something. I can mow the lawn, I'm fine. Weed eat, I'm fine. Go through clothes and files and all the other move prep stuff, I'm fine. Then, when I stop, bamm! I'm frickin lazy again.

I used to feel so lazy before, too. I would get up at 4 go to work, on the ship until whenever, then come home and work in the garage, or the yard, or the office, until midnight or so. Then, get up at 4 the next day and do it again. This was not the lazy time. I would go like this for 3 or 4 months and then, like now I would be wiped out for a couple weeks. I didn't see it so clearly until now.

Now, I've realized it's the same routine just a different scale. Instead of going for months, I go for a few days, much shorter days, and then I'm wiped for a few days. I can accomplish so much in a short time, still. I'm thankful for that. This is why writing is so good. I have to remember what I have to be thankful for.

Listening to: Brimful of Asha, by Cornershop

Another tired morning

I am enjoying my coffee. I am using a Bunn coffee pot that I bought for the ex-wife-creature. For reasons, it was opened and since it was, I decided to go ahead and use it until she needs it. I plan to be down to Florida before she gets there anyway. It is so awesome. My old Bunn is just about as old as my son, 9 years, and still works great. I won't mind going back to it when I give her the new one. However, the new one has one difference, it's not exactly pause and serve, it's more like pause and fill. The old one requires a separate carafe to pour the water because it pushes water out immediately. It's black, too. At first, I thought I preferred the white, like the old one, but black is cool. Maybe 'cause it looks shiny and new.

I think I'm done writing so I'm going to go get a robe and take my coffee to the front porch to chill before I run errands.

Regular People (Conceit), by Pantera

Whew

My oversize badassness gland doesn't seem to compensate adequately for this damm fatigue. I am fitna go sit on the front porch and talk to my best friend.

Greed, by Godsmack

Frickin tard again

Same ol' shite. This is the good tard, tho. I just finished mowing and weed eating. .86 acre is a mofo. I am about to go take a shower and go to the bank and post office because I never did yesterday. I went, but I was unable to take care o' bidniz. I am just using this as my rest minute and an opportunity to log life events.

The one thing I liked about that online journal I just moved from is that it had a spot to add what yer listening to, where yer at, etc. I just put what I was listening to because I think music says a lot about a person, especially what they is feeling when they is writing something.

So, I think I's gonna put that at the end of my entries.

Nemesis, Six Feet Deep

Yay

I'm really excited about this new blog. I was using an online journal that someone introduced me to. This, however, uses the same account I already have for Gmail.

Ok, I'm tired as usual. Well, actually now, I'm just sleepy tired, but I need to go to the bank and the Post Office so I need to go take a shower and get ready.

My online journal (part 3)

I need to format these entries better, but I can do that later.

*************************************************************************


27th-Apr-2007 04:14 pm - I think too much

I'm waiting for the daughter to get home from school then I am going to have a serious talk about life stuff with her and her brother before we go over to a friends house. As I was waiting, I was thinking. I'm always frickin thinking.

Lately I go round and round. There is so much to do and so many ways to do them. I would much rather stay in Athens beacuse I love it here. However, I thought I should be unselfish for the first time in my life and move down to where the kids will be when their wonderful mother takes them to the Tampa area.

Originally, I think I was half unselfish. I was willing to leave here but I still planned to move where I want to. The more I have thought about it, I have decided to live closer to them. I will be leaving what's important to me so for the next handful of years it is about them. I didn't have a dad around at all.

They will have divorced parents but I hope to still give them the benefit of two awesome parents.The girl I just quit seeing is someone that made me happier than I've ever been. Ouch, my heart hurts.

Anyway, at first I thought I would live in the same town but I don't really want to live there. Also, I don't want to be so far from Port Richey. I figure I'll split the difference and live in between so I can be around to get the kids if she is working or anything like that and I can still get to Port Richey in a reasonable amount of time.

I really want to see the beach and be in an area where maybe I can have my sailboat. I want to live on one and sail the Gulf, go to the gulf states, go to Mexico, Belize, Nicaragua, etc. I have postponed that however, to not only become familiar with area first but also to, primarily, be around for the kids' teenage years.Well, the daughter is about to be home so I guess it's time for me to get off this compooter.

Mood:sad
Music:Ministry, Just one fix.


26th-Apr-2007 08:30 am - Feeling Puddle of Mudd this morning

I have got to be the best person to have break up with you. I end up feeling bad about it like I was dumped.

The last time my wife did the practice leaving thing was the first time I agreed. I was in Officer Candidate School down in Florida. I ended up hooking up with someone in my class. Damn, she was fine. However, I was just trying to distract myself from reality.

We both stayed in the area for a couple months after for pilot school for her and aviation maintenance manager school for me. Before I left, I ended it. I felt bad then, too.

This time, it's for real. I, against my good judgement, started seeing a friends sister. I knew she was young and on her way up. She is 25, going to college, and the whole world is possibilties for her. She is on her way to where I was 75k a year. Now, I am done with that, I am no longer interested in that life of crap I didn't need. However, she hasn't experienced it yet. I, again felt bad, and still do, because I ended it.

I am going to Florida to be unselfish, probably for the first time in my life, and be close to my kids as they are about to go through their teenage years. Like Sky said in Superstar,'I'm this way and she's that way'.

I loved the ex-wife-creature but it was the same as it is now. I love her like a sister. I would die for her. However, there wasn't that in-love connection so I couldn't make her feel cherished like she should be.

It sure wasn't from lack of trying. We both tried tons, that's why we were together as long as we were, almost 13 years. We just got married too damm young. We didn't even know who we were ourselves, much less what someone else should be. If it weren't for these two awesome kids, I would think it was a mistake.

The realization we finally came to was that we are both awesome people. However, we are not when we try to be together. We bring out the worst in each other. At times, the Plain White Tee's said it right, "Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you.Ok, enough for now.

Mood:contemplative

My online journal (part 2)

15th-May-2007 12:38 pm - It's hard to be a broken badass

I'm frickin tard again. I hope to look back at this entry and say, 'man, I've come a long way'. In the beginning, the changes were daily, 'wow, I can talk' or 'wow, I can walk' or 'wow, I can take a shower without help'.

Now, the changes are not daily but if I look back a few months, I can see a big change. I just hope this fatigue goes away. I start feeling lazy after a couple days if I'm not doing big things. Then, like today, I get a burst of energy and do a buncha stuff then after a couple hours I'm tard again.

There's just too much to do. I have a hard enough time with the daily chores like dishes, laundry, mowing, and kid stuff. I have to do a minimum, regardless.I think, at times, I should blame drinking.

However, once I think about it, I say, 'no'. I drink every day but I am a professional drinker. You have to drink plenty of water, especially if you drink alcoholic beverages. I also don't drink more than two or three a day because I have to remain coherent for the kids. Drinking actually helps me get proper rest. If I don't drink, I'm too fidgety. I think too much so even at rest, I am going a hundred miles an hour.

I had to not drink for a year after my accident so I know what life is like without drinking. When I was in the Navy, I went from 4am to midnight every day for years, well I didn't get up until 7 or 8 on weekends. However, I drank every day. It kept me from killing someone in traffic. I would just come home and have a couple drinks and work in the garage or yard or whatever and the peace would wash over me.

Ok, I'm tired of writing now. I'm gonna rest a bit before I shower and get ready for my divorce with kids seminar. The kids get to go visit TGB fer a while.

Mood:tired
Music:Sara, Fleetwood Mac

12th-May-2007 06:53 pm - Yup, they's good

I though of something last night. After sleeping on it, I decided it was an ok idear. I am going to slim down even further than I had planned. I am going to sell everything that won't fit in my truck. No Uhaul trailer.

Whatever I don't sell I'm going to donate to a local thrift store. I don't mind if I give some expensive items to them because they do such good work. They give jobs, training, and direction to peeps who had problems with drugs or alcohol.Whatever I do sell will just help me by giving me money to help with the move. I am ready to live on a sailboat anyway so getting rid of even more stuff goes well with that plan.

Now, I see everything as what it is, a blessing. Before, when I looked at the new SUV I bought for the wif, I thought, 'wow, look at what I've accomplished'. Now, when I look at the awesome truck that was bestowed upon me, I think, 'wow, God is awesome. He has blessed me far beyond my comprehension.'

I was expecting to get some cheap piece of crap when I did the voluntary repo on the Pathfinder. I was amazed to get this truck from a friend's parents for less than I planned to spend on much less. Besides just getting a good deal, I got an awesome truck. I haven't ever been so satisfied by a vehicle.I am now looking forward to driving down to the Tampa area without a trailer.

All this stuff, I can get again. It took me a minute to realize. I really am thankful for the opportunity to think about things. I never thought I would be able to hold out until the kids finish school. Now, I expect to be here until mid-July or so. My last mortgage payment was January 1st. I thought fer sure they would've foreclosed long before I was able to file this Bankruptcy, especially considering the payment.

I had a 5% mortgage but that still didn't lower the payments below the $1500 that they were. Ok, I'm exaggerating, they were only $1495. This is why I had no choice but to file a Bankruptcy. My military disability retirement barely covered the mortgage, that's before the $2800 in other bills.All this stuff was nice but I am ready to live a more humble life and see the beach again. It's been a couple years. Ok, now I must go watch Lord of the Rings with the darling punk children.

Mood:full
Music:Vow, Garbage

12th-May-2007 06:32 pm - Yum

The daughter and I are making cookies to take over her Gram cracker's house tomorrow for Mother's Day. They have a couple more minutes and then I get to make sure they is good. ;)

11th-May-2007 10:56 am - Dammit

I'm frickin tard. This is one of the new things about my crippleness that I really hate. Most of it is intangible like this damn fatigue.

I am just glad I have some time before I have to move. I accomplish things in bursts. I do so much and then, Bam, I'm wiped out for a couple days. I am still trying to learn the new me. It's hard to tell where that point of 'too much' is.

It's really hard because I was always a hyper freak. I would get up at 4 or so and work on the ship until 4 or so and then come home and work until 12 or so and get up and do it all again. If there was a project, at work or home, I would attack it and ravenously work on it until it was done.Now, it is clear to me that God has a plan, even if I don't see or like all the details. I needed to be slowed down.

I am thankful that I can still do the things I can. I still have what little 'looks' I had. I still have my memory intact and my sense of humor and all the things that made me unique. I just have to learn to live in this skin.

I really have accepted my limitations but I still need to live with them. I have to accept that, although there are countless things to do and I have the skills to do them, I can only do so much.I hope to use these skills and abilities, that I have been allowed to keep, to help others. I worked for years to get more stuff.

We had too much crap we didn't need, like this big ass house. Now, I am thankful that I have been reminded of what's really important and can still have what's really important. I can't not remember the guys in the hospital who were stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their miserable, regretful lives.

Mood:thirsty
Music:Wasted, Mazzy Star


10th-May-2007 02:18 pm - Oh yeah

I found a receipt while going through some old archive papers in the office. It was from some gas I bought back in 2000 in San Francisco. It was so expensive, at the time. $1.61. Holy crap, I wish. I just filled my Suburban and it was over $120.00. Frickin ouch.

Mood:accomplished
Music:Leper Messiah, Metallica

10th-May-2007 02:00 pm - It's hot

I got to feel like I accomplished something today. I guess, accomplishing something I actually enjoy doing. I went over Claudio and Tham's this morning to pick up a sofa.

This is ironic. They are making room for their daughter and some friends coming home from college this weekend from North Cackalacky. This is the second sofa they gave me. It's ironic because, I met them at a moving sale I had back in Feb, at which they bought my sofa and loveseat. So when they decided to make room and donate a sofa to Goodwill, they called me.

I may not have room to bring them with me but they will get used in the meantime.

What I accomplished are two things. To me they are no big deal. I'm a fixer. It's what I enjoy doing. To them, however, it is a big deal because they are not mechanically inclined. The first was their wheelbarrow. I was talking to Tham a while back and she said it hasn't rolled for a few years so Claudio uses it to store rain water for the orchids that he grows. I went to Home Depot and got a cable clamp and some screws to hold the axle in place, so it wouldn't hit the body and stop. Easy deal.

The other was a hole under the house that lets the mices in. She stuffed a manila envelope in there. I went to Wally world and got some expanding foam and filled it. Easy deal. Nice.I also decided to give them my lawnmower instead of taking it to my father-in-law up in Toccoa. If he needed one, hells yeah.

However, he's already got one anyway. They have a yard that's about as big as mine, around .75 acre, and a push mower. Hell no. No wonder their two sons aren't anxious to mow the lawn. I had a big 'ol yard in VA and a push mower. Damn, that was such a pain. F that.I'm trying to get as many successes in as I can. I am afeared of the move that's coming.

Mood:accomplished
Music:Psalm 69, Ministry


8th-May-2007 08:20 pm - I am so happy to see her

I really appreciate her affection and excitement to see me right now. I am so overwhelmed by all the...stuff to do. Stoopid dog.

Anyway, Christian sent me an email today and asked if he could swing by in a few weeks. Hell, yeah. He said him and Talia are having issues and because it will be best, I guess, he is taking a road trip. That's a helluva road trip from SoCal but I will be happy to see him regardless. It's been a few years.

I will still be in this house until likely mid-July so I will much appreciate the opportunity to see him and the motivation I will get from having someone around. By then, the kids will be gone.

The last time I saw him we were both in the Navy and I was still not an officer yet. He is one of the very few people I felt like investing friendship in. With most people it seems like a waste, something akin to watchin tv.

Mood:excited
Music:Hey Man, Nice Shot - Filter


8th-May-2007 11:07 am - 08 May 2007

Shalane is in town to go to her divorce with kids seminar as per the court. She is at her dad's and will be coming down here when she showers, etc. We is gonna surprise the kids and pick them up at school and take them to dinner before she goes to the seminar. Aw, how nice.

As weird as it is, we are actually great friends when we aren't trying to be different for each other.

She is also going to leave my girlfriend for a couple weeks so I can take her to the vet. She is due for a handful of annual things. She is the only little dog I have ever liked. I don't like the worthlessness of micro-dogs and they yipe too damn much. However, she is perfect. I miss her.

She was given to Shalane by a lesbian who has been in love with her for a while out in Cali. This matters because it's ironic to me that this dog, Zoee, a Chi-Weenie, who usually freaks out at the appearance of anyone new, jumped into my arms when we met and we have been best friends ever since.

The irony is that I am what the average lesbian hates because of my arrogance, confidence, whatever. Back to work...

Mood:contemplative
Music:Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Black Sabbath


7th-May-2007 09:50 am - I'm frickin tired

This kinda tired is good. It means I did something.It's better than the brain tired I's been feeling.

The time is getting near. I have to get all this crap ready to move outta here. But, anyway, I don't wanna think about that right now. For the last few months, I have spent way too much time on the computer and being bummed about life. This morning, as I was sitting on the front porch waiting for the bus with my daughter, I was awestruck at how awesome the weather is this morning.

It's like a perfect 60, even now. So, when she left, I spent the last two hours or so mowing the lawn. It kicked my arse but it was very refreshing. I felt human again. It made me thankful again that I can still do that stuff. I always walk like I'm drunk, but, like an old man, I can hobble around and get it done.

It may take me longer but, since I am retired, I don't have to be in a hurry.So, now that I have rested a moment on this brain sucker, I will go take a shower and go get a few items from the store. I am also going to donate some of my uniforms to the Navy base.

Since I just filed for Bankruptcy, I will never be a Naval Officer again, so I won't need those very expensive uniforms and I'm sure they will be a great help to some junior officer.Life is good, painful and challenging but good.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tags:adapt, overcome

Mood:relieved
Music:Whatever by Godsmack


2nd-May-2007 02:59 pm - Whew

It's nice to have clarity and know that going to Florida is right but my human-ness wants it done.

I don't want to wait a couple months. I don't want to move stuff to storage. I don't want to figure out what to bring in my truck. I don't want to wait. This is the ultimate test of the one quality I don't have, patience.

One of the best songs ever is 'Steady as she goes' by Lil Capn Travis. It makes me feel so peaceful.

There is so much to do. It's a very daunting challenge. I am anxious at this point. Now that I have accepted moving down there. I am anxious to start my new life. I am really anxious to get out of this damn big house. When the kids leave after school at the end of the month, things will be cheaper but I will still have to cool this monster. I don't mind living slim but I hate being hot, inside at least.

This house is a bit smaller than the last one but it's still way too much for little ol' me to be rattlin around in. The idea of staying with my brother-in-law for a couple days until I get a place, or even my truck, I don't care, is ok with me. However, all the crap I have to do to get to that point is what keeps my mind a spinnin.

'Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig' Nine Inch Nails is such F it music. Ok, the son is home.

Tags:daunting, f it, fear

Mood:tired
Music:Nine Inch Nails, 'Piggy'

Moving from my online journal (part 1)

This is the first of three parts. I was recently told about this blog by a friend. He is tracking his road trip across the country. I was excited to find that is a Google thing so I can use the login I already have for Gmail.

The following entries are the last couple months of what I put in the journal. I was introduced to it and thought it would be a great way to track life events. Life is ever-changing, especially right now, and I want to be able to look back on it.

Ok, so here it be:

***********************************************************************************
31st-May-2007 09:17 am - Just sleepy tard

I got up at 7 and have been chillin this morning, waiting for Christian to wake up so we can go swimming. He's on the same schedule I am, no hurry. I cut some roses of the bush in the backyard to take over to TGB's and I'm just drinking my second cup of really strong coffee. I oops'ed. I made a full pot in the filter but I still put the usual 3/4 pot into the tank. I also just switched to Dark coffee cause I wanted something stronger. Well, it's stronger.

Mood:sleepy
Music:Trampled Under Foot, Led Zeppelin


29th-May-2007 05:37 pm - Gotta get on it

I got up at around 7, the usual. I was tired, the usual. I did a couple small things and waited for the peeps who are buying the BR, lawn tractor, and desk to come give me money. They gived me half and will give me the rest in a week when they pick them up. Once they left, I was feeling reluctant about sitting on the front porch with my best friend being exhausted, so I went to my mom's. When I got back, after a couple hours, I sat on the front porch with my best friend, enjoying this awesome weather and sky and trees. I was overwhelmed, and thanked God for allowing me to experience this awesomeness.I ate one of the tomatoes that Claudio and Tham brought over last night. Tonight, they are going to bring the tomato preserves that Claudio made. Sounds weird, but ok. They have dazzled me so far.So, as the tomato was being washed down, Christian called. He is in Alabammy. So, he will be here tonight. Holy shite. I need to get on it. I still have yet to clean the bathrooms. So, here I go, to get another beer and do stuff.

Mood:anxious
Music:Ted, Just Admit It..., Jane's Addiction


28th-May-2007 01:22 pm - whew!

Ok, same ol' story, John. You are tired today. I was already worn out on Friday, before I started working on the truck. Then, the next day, I helped Shalane get her stuff into storage. That was a few trips, with three trucks. The past couple days I have been wiped. Yesterday, the first day without the kids, I slept til 11 for the first time since I was a teenager.Today, I woke up at 7, which is usually about as late as I can stay in bed. I spent most of the day trying to rest and get my energies back to clean in preparation for Christian getting here soon. I got a wild hair. I got irritated about stepping on stuff with my bare feet in the dining room and I did what I usually do, I got on a roll. I swept the dining room, then the kitchen, then the laundry room, then the kids' bathroom, then my bathroom. Then, since I swept and I needed to mop anyway, I mopped all those floors. Needless to say, I was already tired. I would go drink a beer but I think I'm gonna go to the store and maybe run out to my mom's. That beer sure will taste good later. Well, maybe rum n coke cause the sun might be down by then. Beer just isn't the same without the sunshine.Ok, I think that's all I'm gonna do. I still need to clean both bathrooms and load the dishwasher again. I need to refill the energy tank. I think I used the quarter tank I had accumulated.

Mood:exhausted
Music:Shake Like You, Corrosion of Conformity


25th-May-2007 10:18 pm - Like a broken record

I am frickin tard again. I was already exhausted this morning. But, the ex-wife-creature showed up and said she wasn't actually going to get a storage unit today so I went to see her dad. My muffler cracked like an egg and he said he knew a place I could take it up there for cheapness. I called down here and the stock muffler was $100 for just the muffler. Ouch.My son has a friend, like many friends I had in school, they feed off each other and do stoopid things. My father-in-law and I don't do stoopid things but we feed off each other. We are like a couple excited kids on Christmas morning. We love to talk about cars, life in general, eat food, and work on cars. Either one of us alone is already an overzealous freak that works on a project until it's done, or we collapse. But, when we get together it's worse.Today, I went up there to get the muffler replaced and ended up taking him to lunch at the awesomest burger place ever. I go there whenever I go up there, usually. Then, since my wear indicators on my brakes started squeeling, we went to Auto Zone and bought some new pads. Then, after filling up with a hundred and 18 MF'n dollars in gas, I went back to the house to start work.He was at the parts store getting a fuse for a little truck he's working on. He was in the badass El Camino because we had just picked up my truck. The muffler cost me $40. Holy crap, that was muffler and install, welded even. Two benefits, boonies and my father-in-law's reputation. Hells yeah. So, I beat him back to the house so I made room under the awning thing and nosed my truck in there to keep the sun off my head. Damm, it was hot. So hot, as a matta fack, I went inside and got a beer and sat on the front porch chillin fer a minute to let the sun get a bit lower and to just rest. So, muffler done, but that was just the start. I ended up replacing the front brakes, then an oil change because he happened to have some full synthetic and it was drydocked anyway. then, while the wheels were off anyway, it was easier to get to the grease fittings on the front end so I took care of that, too. It is all stuff that needs to be done before I make the long haul to FL, anyway. Whew, I left at 9, for an hour ride home.So, again I say, I'm frickin tard. I have grease under my nails and ground nicely into the cracks and crevices in my hands, so, I am going to make a nice, strong Sailor Jerry's and Pepsi, and take a nice relaxing bath in my large jacuzzi tub, while I still have it.The ex-wife-creature reminded me once again why I'm glad she decided on divorce again. I'm too tired, so hopefully, I'll remember what the hell I'm talking about when I look back on this.

Mood:exhausted
Music:Clubbed to Death, Rob D. (from the Matrix soundtrack


24th-May-2007 07:14 am - Dammit

I am so frickin tard. I feel like I used to feel when I did construction work. My whole body is just worn out like I did some hard manual labor.The ex-wife-creature is coming Friday to put her stuff and the kids' stuff in storage. The kids will be leaving for FL where they are gonna fly to Cali on Sunday. So, while I will get a break from kid-related responsibilities, I will be helping her because she doesn't have much help. So, I need to get in all the rest I can before Friday.Christian sent me a message this morning to let me know he'll be here around the end of the month. A bit sooner than I expected but I don't mind. I am so tard.

Mood:tired
Music:Ex-girlfriend, No Doubt


23rd-May-2007 07:56 am - A post in TBI group

I was feeling a grumbling this morning and thought I would write about it since no one has written in a couple days.I have an online journal I started to track life events. There are a lot of things going on right now that I'd like to look back on.In this journal, I wrote that the thing I hate the most about this crippleness is the damn fatigue. I am strong as an ox but I get tired so easy. I see it as God's way of slowing me down and I trust in His will and I'm thankful for all the stuff I can still do like fixing my truck or mowing the lawn or taking care of these two darling punk kids by myself for the last 10 months.It works, I guess. It's very similar to how I was before, I just do less now before I'm wiped out. Before, I would get up at 4 and go to bed around midnight for months. Then, every few months, I would be a lazy bum on the couch. Now, it's every few days.I'm just trying to learn the new me. It's been almost 2 years but I'm still learning. I am still learning how to be a nasty civilian. I think I will fit well into this beachbum lifestyle. At the end of school this week, the ex-wife-creature will take the kids so I will be alone. I am moving to FL to be around the kids but I will still be alone. I expect to re-familiarize myself with the beach. The Navy taught me to be a professional drinker so, when I'm tired from fixing, etc, I think I can fill the time ok.Blah, blah, blah, ok enough.Thank you all for your input. It really does help to hear from other people who were damaged in a similar way.

Mood:tired
Music:Back to Life, Soul 2 Soul


21st-May-2007 04:45 pm - Damm they's good!

Rhianna made some cookies for her class' end of year. They are chocolate chip/ oatmeal and they are so good. The last couple batches she made turned out like dry biscuits so this time I told her to make them smaller because they'll spread out so she made these little drops that made quarter size cookies. They are really good. They're like bite-size and sooo good. I am trying to hold myself back so there is enough to take to school. We are going to the dollar store tonight to get some little gift bags to put them in. Since they are so small, there are like a hundred or so. I will be happy to eat the remainder.

Mood:hot
Music:Sunny Day, Deana Carter


20th-May-2007 08:35 pm - God's awesome ironic sense of humor

I was just loading the washer and, as I was doing the same ol' crap like unwadding socks or pulling one pantleg out, I though about how this is an example of, what I see as, God's ironic sense of humor. I have always been a clean freak and my son is a slob.
I see both of my kids as me wearing two hats. Rhianna is the me I am when I'm wearing the bookworm, organized hat. Neriah is the me I am when I'm wearing the 'what the hell' hat. This is how I am afraid of his teenage years. He doesn't seem to feel pain or fear anything. I love machines and adrenaline rushes and he is my reality. Rhianna is the goody goody who gets awesome grades, and is frickin beautiful. This is why I fear her teenage years. I don't look forward to her bringing home some long-haired like I was. I think, I hope the difference will be that she will have both parents, even if they're divorced, and she will be told about things like college and a future that her mother and I were not endowed with because our parents were uneducated knuckleheads. They tried but they just didn't know. I love knowledge and learning and everything having a place and she is my reality.They are both like half of me. Each quality is interesting and useful but also has the downside. A lot of the stuff that they still must learn, I have overcome the downside of, or learned to replace with something better, or to simply have some self-control. I am just happy to have the opportunity to teach them from my mistakes. Of course, they are going to 'know everything' and go through the teenage crap but I just want to teach them enough that they will actually know the right thing to do. I don't care if they think it's their idea, as long as they decide that getting married too damn young is not an option or partying is fun but college is better and life is expensive. Yeah, money is the root of all evil, when you don't have any. Being poor is crap. I have been poor and well-off and ferget poor. Yes, it's easy to get distracted by 'stuff' but it's even easier to get distracted or engulfed by 'surviving'. You don't have to be poor to appreciate a decent home and being able to buy a birhtday present for your kids' friend at school. That's important. It's not about a designer tag on yer ass. It's about kids thinking about life not the absence of life.

Mood:awake
Music:The Answer, Sarah McLachlan


19th-May-2007 08:53 pm - I'm thinking about monkeys

now you are too. Haa!
I posted the following as a Bulletin in Myspace to give notice of my pics but after I was done I thought I would like to add it to my permanent record so I can look back on it later.

Today, I took advantage of another opportunity to do supm fun wit da kids before they go to Cali next weekend. Some friends went hiking up in da North GA mountains and invited me to come. It was a long drive but awesome.
I was reminded of why I settled here after retiring from the Navy. I have seen amazing things in our country and many other countries but, while every place has it's own little thing, North GA is the best overall. I love it here. I will miss it when I go to FL.
So, anyway, before I get all sad, I posted some new pics. I also posted some from Rhianna's award ceremony at school the other day.
She got the usual academic stuff, which is nice, but she also got an Outstanding Citizenship award. Her and one other girl got one. It's for basically being a joy to be around. She not only gets good grades but she befriends everyone, helps everyone, and is generally pleasant.
Amidst all the challenges in life right now such as the wife leaving, Bankruptcy, and the everyday challenges of being a damaged badass, this award makes it all ok. It tells me I did ok.
I am constantly frustrated at how hard it can be to do the simplest things that used to be so easy and how easily I get tired. However, I am thankful that I can still do so much and, even more so, I am thankful that I can be around the kids and focus my energies without the distraction of a job. I hope to give them more than I had growing up, namely guidance and direction about college, life, etc.
Ok, enough. Go look at my new pictures.

Mood:tired
Music:Spin You Around, Puddle of Mudd


18th-May-2007 11:05 am - I'm Broken!!!

I just went to Rhianna's school for an awards day ceremony. She got 3 awards: Language arts, Honor Roll, and her and one other girl got an award for Outstanding Citizenship. It's an award for just being an awesome person; a joy to teach, a great friend to all, etc. It makes me proud that, even in light of all this life crap going on like Divorce, Bankruptcy, Crippleness, I apparently did an ok job with what really counts. All this other crap can ffffffade away.

Mood:good
Music:Broken, Pantera