The new me is still a new me

I told a friend the other day that I had decided to keep my fatigue between God and me. I am tired of explaining why I'm so tired, for no real reason besides this 'new me' fatigue. Yes, I spend a lot of time at the beach, yes my tan is nice, yes I don't have a job. The dream of sitting at the beach doing nutn is nice but it's kinda like the spoonful o' sugar that makes the medicine go down. I have a list, taller than me, of things I would like to do with my time. However, referencing my favorite analogy, I feel like the Road Runner on a leash. My legs are spinning a hundred miles an hour but I'm being held back by a leash, which is this damn fatigue.

I was reminded, a couple days ago, of how I underestimate my limitation. I have accepted the fatigue and the fact that I'm really not being lazy. However, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that says, 'you are really being lazy. you could do more. if you work harder, it's like working out, you will get stronger.' So, I work a little harder and then I get pain, like someone who needs a back operation. Oh, hells no. Being limited is one thing, but being completely debilitated is entirely another. So, not only do I have to not worry about people thinking I'm lazy, but also this damn voice in my head.

About 6 montha ago, I tried to workout again and overcome this 'weakness'. I ended up going to a chiropractor because I had non-stop shooting pains in my lower back. It helped, but, as I'm thinkin' now, it was really a muscle thing. My spine did x-ray as a crooked mess. However, I think the non-stop work of two kids, a house, and then trying to work out on top of it was just the straw that broke the cripple's back.

The adjustments by the chiropracker were good, but I think I really just needed the rest. Kinda like now. A couple days ago, I felt a taste of that same pain. It wasn't as intense, but it was the same pain. Resting, or being lazy as I try not to call it, did the trick. It was few things I had done but I think mostly the everyday 'gonna get better' things that did it. Simple little shite like trying to run up the stairs, or even traverse the stairs without using the handrail. It's not much to the 'normals' but all day long, it takes it's toll on an old cripple.

The pain is still just outside the door, like a grisly old reaper ready to come in and torment me.

I worked on my book a bit this morning. This has a lot to do with my lack of blog posts. My energy is precious nowadays and must be rationed and budgeted. So, since writing requires energies, I save it for my book, because I really have a lot to say and think it will be good if I ever get it done.

Listening to: Mistakes, by Godsmack

OTC cleaning out the truck

I went to the beach again this morning. Before sitting in the sand in my umbrella chair wit my book, I parked the truck in the parking lot on the side that is right next to the water. I listened to the waves, which were actually crashing today, while I finally cleaned out the back back seat of the truck. I had basically piled everything up back ther since I moved down here. Today was the perfect time to do it. I enjoyed my coffee and took my time organizing my tool boxes, cooler, etc.

After I was done, I parked in the other parking lot, so I would walk past the foot-rinsing thing as I left. I picked a nice spot at the edge of the beach by the freaky trees with the above-ground roots. I enjoyed that spot, reading my book, for 20 minutes or so, until the little sunamabitches showed up. Some ants just decided to form a line and attack me. So, I moved on over to a shady spot beneath a palm tree.

I had a revelation as I sat there and read. The revelation was inspired by what I read. It was enlightening about my sitiation, too. The writer, John Eldredge, spoke of living by the mind and by the heart. This led me to develop my own two cents on this one. It is like anything, gotsta have moderation. Infidelity is a decision based on living by the heart. Living by the mind leads one to be cold and heartless. Hippies are all heart. Their lack of using their mind is what makes me dislike them so.

It really fit well into my thoughts about faith. I have been awestruck by people like some friends' daughter. She just does things without regard for all the possibilties for failure, and things work out. I am more on the side of the masses who fear the possibilities and, although I trust in God's will and feel He will bless me beyond my comprehension, I fear the challenges ahead.

So, here's what I came up with. Although, I feel I have learned to live by my heart a lot mo, I feel I have a ways to go still. Along the lines of moderation, I think there is a balance to achieve. Something like 50% mind and 50% heart. Ideally, I think the 'good' mix would be 40-60% for both.

The hippies would be at like 90% heart and 10% mind. The guy who is uncomfortable with feelings but is unstoppable in the business world, or fixing jets, would be around 10% heart and 90% mind. Since growing more accustomed to my new career as a beach bum and appreciating what's truly important, I feel I have learned to use my heart a lot more. I think I'm somewhere around 41% heart and 59% mind.

Listening to: The cute old lady next to me talking about strange pop-ups.

A reminder that it is possible

The picture ended up being crap, but I will recognize what it is. The sun was bright, etc.

Anyway, the library is about to close and I need to go walk my roommate's dog, so I don't plan to write much. I just wanted to post this picture and a few quick words. I was sitting at the beach with my book in my lap. I brought it to read but ended up just looking around and listening to the waves.

So, as I was looking around, the old couple next to me in the shady spot beneath the palm trees, walked, hand in hand, out into the water. The picture, obviously, doesn't capture the beauty of the scene.

Listening to: the murmur of soft voices over there and the clicking of keyboards all around me.

Rainy day at the beach

I still enjoyed the opportunity to sit in the truck at the beach for coffee and reading this morning. Life is still dynamic and I am actually thankful for the place God has led me to. All the things I've been blessed with are nice but I am really thankful for the scariness of life now. Why? You ask. Because, I am comfortable with the fact that I am not trying to control so much and, as scary as it is, happy that I am dependent on God's blessings and direction.

Claudio and Tham have a daughter that I envy because of her total faith in God's will. I am prolly a little better than most but nowhere near the complete surrender she's at. For example, she recently received a free laptop. No, not some old outdated, piece of crap. One that I would love to have. She also went on a mission trip with a friend to Mexico with like $200 and just winged it, knowing that God would provide. He did. Her and a friend not only survived but lived decently for a couple weeks.

This is why I am thankful to be where I am. I am still far from the complete surrender of Iris, Claudio and Tham's daughter, but I have come a long way from where I was two years ago. I, for the first time in many moons, feel very comfortable with what I believe. I am also very happy with where God has led me, even though it is a lot less sure than where I was a few years ago when I was making too much money as a Naval officer.

I am going to go sit in the comfy library chair and read now. I am a bit too distracted by the cute girl across from me who keeps letting me see her beautiful eyes. Then, I think I'm gonna head on down to gits me a .99 double cheeseburger from that place and take it to the beach wit me.

Listening to: my pounding heart and the clicking of keys all around me.