I told a friend the other day that I had decided to keep my fatigue between God and me. I am tired of explaining why I'm so tired, for no real reason besides this 'new me' fatigue. Yes, I spend a lot of time at the beach, yes my tan is nice, yes I don't have a job. The dream of sitting at the beach doing nutn is nice but it's kinda like the spoonful o' sugar that makes the medicine go down. I have a list, taller than me, of things I would like to do with my time. However, referencing my favorite analogy, I feel like the Road Runner on a leash. My legs are spinning a hundred miles an hour but I'm being held back by a leash, which is this damn fatigue.
I was reminded, a couple days ago, of how I underestimate my limitation. I have accepted the fatigue and the fact that I'm really not being lazy. However, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that says, 'you are really being lazy. you could do more. if you work harder, it's like working out, you will get stronger.' So, I work a little harder and then I get pain, like someone who needs a back operation. Oh, hells no. Being limited is one thing, but being completely debilitated is entirely another. So, not only do I have to not worry about people thinking I'm lazy, but also this damn voice in my head.
About 6 montha ago, I tried to workout again and overcome this 'weakness'. I ended up going to a chiropractor because I had non-stop shooting pains in my lower back. It helped, but, as I'm thinkin' now, it was really a muscle thing. My spine did x-ray as a crooked mess. However, I think the non-stop work of two kids, a house, and then trying to work out on top of it was just the straw that broke the cripple's back.
The adjustments by the chiropracker were good, but I think I really just needed the rest. Kinda like now. A couple days ago, I felt a taste of that same pain. It wasn't as intense, but it was the same pain. Resting, or being lazy as I try not to call it, did the trick. It was few things I had done but I think mostly the everyday 'gonna get better' things that did it. Simple little shite like trying to run up the stairs, or even traverse the stairs without using the handrail. It's not much to the 'normals' but all day long, it takes it's toll on an old cripple.
The pain is still just outside the door, like a grisly old reaper ready to come in and torment me.
I worked on my book a bit this morning. This has a lot to do with my lack of blog posts. My energy is precious nowadays and must be rationed and budgeted. So, since writing requires energies, I save it for my book, because I really have a lot to say and think it will be good if I ever get it done.
Listening to: Mistakes, by Godsmack
No comments:
Post a Comment