My online journal (part 2)

15th-May-2007 12:38 pm - It's hard to be a broken badass

I'm frickin tard again. I hope to look back at this entry and say, 'man, I've come a long way'. In the beginning, the changes were daily, 'wow, I can talk' or 'wow, I can walk' or 'wow, I can take a shower without help'.

Now, the changes are not daily but if I look back a few months, I can see a big change. I just hope this fatigue goes away. I start feeling lazy after a couple days if I'm not doing big things. Then, like today, I get a burst of energy and do a buncha stuff then after a couple hours I'm tard again.

There's just too much to do. I have a hard enough time with the daily chores like dishes, laundry, mowing, and kid stuff. I have to do a minimum, regardless.I think, at times, I should blame drinking.

However, once I think about it, I say, 'no'. I drink every day but I am a professional drinker. You have to drink plenty of water, especially if you drink alcoholic beverages. I also don't drink more than two or three a day because I have to remain coherent for the kids. Drinking actually helps me get proper rest. If I don't drink, I'm too fidgety. I think too much so even at rest, I am going a hundred miles an hour.

I had to not drink for a year after my accident so I know what life is like without drinking. When I was in the Navy, I went from 4am to midnight every day for years, well I didn't get up until 7 or 8 on weekends. However, I drank every day. It kept me from killing someone in traffic. I would just come home and have a couple drinks and work in the garage or yard or whatever and the peace would wash over me.

Ok, I'm tired of writing now. I'm gonna rest a bit before I shower and get ready for my divorce with kids seminar. The kids get to go visit TGB fer a while.

Mood:tired
Music:Sara, Fleetwood Mac

12th-May-2007 06:53 pm - Yup, they's good

I though of something last night. After sleeping on it, I decided it was an ok idear. I am going to slim down even further than I had planned. I am going to sell everything that won't fit in my truck. No Uhaul trailer.

Whatever I don't sell I'm going to donate to a local thrift store. I don't mind if I give some expensive items to them because they do such good work. They give jobs, training, and direction to peeps who had problems with drugs or alcohol.Whatever I do sell will just help me by giving me money to help with the move. I am ready to live on a sailboat anyway so getting rid of even more stuff goes well with that plan.

Now, I see everything as what it is, a blessing. Before, when I looked at the new SUV I bought for the wif, I thought, 'wow, look at what I've accomplished'. Now, when I look at the awesome truck that was bestowed upon me, I think, 'wow, God is awesome. He has blessed me far beyond my comprehension.'

I was expecting to get some cheap piece of crap when I did the voluntary repo on the Pathfinder. I was amazed to get this truck from a friend's parents for less than I planned to spend on much less. Besides just getting a good deal, I got an awesome truck. I haven't ever been so satisfied by a vehicle.I am now looking forward to driving down to the Tampa area without a trailer.

All this stuff, I can get again. It took me a minute to realize. I really am thankful for the opportunity to think about things. I never thought I would be able to hold out until the kids finish school. Now, I expect to be here until mid-July or so. My last mortgage payment was January 1st. I thought fer sure they would've foreclosed long before I was able to file this Bankruptcy, especially considering the payment.

I had a 5% mortgage but that still didn't lower the payments below the $1500 that they were. Ok, I'm exaggerating, they were only $1495. This is why I had no choice but to file a Bankruptcy. My military disability retirement barely covered the mortgage, that's before the $2800 in other bills.All this stuff was nice but I am ready to live a more humble life and see the beach again. It's been a couple years. Ok, now I must go watch Lord of the Rings with the darling punk children.

Mood:full
Music:Vow, Garbage

12th-May-2007 06:32 pm - Yum

The daughter and I are making cookies to take over her Gram cracker's house tomorrow for Mother's Day. They have a couple more minutes and then I get to make sure they is good. ;)

11th-May-2007 10:56 am - Dammit

I'm frickin tard. This is one of the new things about my crippleness that I really hate. Most of it is intangible like this damn fatigue.

I am just glad I have some time before I have to move. I accomplish things in bursts. I do so much and then, Bam, I'm wiped out for a couple days. I am still trying to learn the new me. It's hard to tell where that point of 'too much' is.

It's really hard because I was always a hyper freak. I would get up at 4 or so and work on the ship until 4 or so and then come home and work until 12 or so and get up and do it all again. If there was a project, at work or home, I would attack it and ravenously work on it until it was done.Now, it is clear to me that God has a plan, even if I don't see or like all the details. I needed to be slowed down.

I am thankful that I can still do the things I can. I still have what little 'looks' I had. I still have my memory intact and my sense of humor and all the things that made me unique. I just have to learn to live in this skin.

I really have accepted my limitations but I still need to live with them. I have to accept that, although there are countless things to do and I have the skills to do them, I can only do so much.I hope to use these skills and abilities, that I have been allowed to keep, to help others. I worked for years to get more stuff.

We had too much crap we didn't need, like this big ass house. Now, I am thankful that I have been reminded of what's really important and can still have what's really important. I can't not remember the guys in the hospital who were stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their miserable, regretful lives.

Mood:thirsty
Music:Wasted, Mazzy Star


10th-May-2007 02:18 pm - Oh yeah

I found a receipt while going through some old archive papers in the office. It was from some gas I bought back in 2000 in San Francisco. It was so expensive, at the time. $1.61. Holy crap, I wish. I just filled my Suburban and it was over $120.00. Frickin ouch.

Mood:accomplished
Music:Leper Messiah, Metallica

10th-May-2007 02:00 pm - It's hot

I got to feel like I accomplished something today. I guess, accomplishing something I actually enjoy doing. I went over Claudio and Tham's this morning to pick up a sofa.

This is ironic. They are making room for their daughter and some friends coming home from college this weekend from North Cackalacky. This is the second sofa they gave me. It's ironic because, I met them at a moving sale I had back in Feb, at which they bought my sofa and loveseat. So when they decided to make room and donate a sofa to Goodwill, they called me.

I may not have room to bring them with me but they will get used in the meantime.

What I accomplished are two things. To me they are no big deal. I'm a fixer. It's what I enjoy doing. To them, however, it is a big deal because they are not mechanically inclined. The first was their wheelbarrow. I was talking to Tham a while back and she said it hasn't rolled for a few years so Claudio uses it to store rain water for the orchids that he grows. I went to Home Depot and got a cable clamp and some screws to hold the axle in place, so it wouldn't hit the body and stop. Easy deal.

The other was a hole under the house that lets the mices in. She stuffed a manila envelope in there. I went to Wally world and got some expanding foam and filled it. Easy deal. Nice.I also decided to give them my lawnmower instead of taking it to my father-in-law up in Toccoa. If he needed one, hells yeah.

However, he's already got one anyway. They have a yard that's about as big as mine, around .75 acre, and a push mower. Hell no. No wonder their two sons aren't anxious to mow the lawn. I had a big 'ol yard in VA and a push mower. Damn, that was such a pain. F that.I'm trying to get as many successes in as I can. I am afeared of the move that's coming.

Mood:accomplished
Music:Psalm 69, Ministry


8th-May-2007 08:20 pm - I am so happy to see her

I really appreciate her affection and excitement to see me right now. I am so overwhelmed by all the...stuff to do. Stoopid dog.

Anyway, Christian sent me an email today and asked if he could swing by in a few weeks. Hell, yeah. He said him and Talia are having issues and because it will be best, I guess, he is taking a road trip. That's a helluva road trip from SoCal but I will be happy to see him regardless. It's been a few years.

I will still be in this house until likely mid-July so I will much appreciate the opportunity to see him and the motivation I will get from having someone around. By then, the kids will be gone.

The last time I saw him we were both in the Navy and I was still not an officer yet. He is one of the very few people I felt like investing friendship in. With most people it seems like a waste, something akin to watchin tv.

Mood:excited
Music:Hey Man, Nice Shot - Filter


8th-May-2007 11:07 am - 08 May 2007

Shalane is in town to go to her divorce with kids seminar as per the court. She is at her dad's and will be coming down here when she showers, etc. We is gonna surprise the kids and pick them up at school and take them to dinner before she goes to the seminar. Aw, how nice.

As weird as it is, we are actually great friends when we aren't trying to be different for each other.

She is also going to leave my girlfriend for a couple weeks so I can take her to the vet. She is due for a handful of annual things. She is the only little dog I have ever liked. I don't like the worthlessness of micro-dogs and they yipe too damn much. However, she is perfect. I miss her.

She was given to Shalane by a lesbian who has been in love with her for a while out in Cali. This matters because it's ironic to me that this dog, Zoee, a Chi-Weenie, who usually freaks out at the appearance of anyone new, jumped into my arms when we met and we have been best friends ever since.

The irony is that I am what the average lesbian hates because of my arrogance, confidence, whatever. Back to work...

Mood:contemplative
Music:Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Black Sabbath


7th-May-2007 09:50 am - I'm frickin tired

This kinda tired is good. It means I did something.It's better than the brain tired I's been feeling.

The time is getting near. I have to get all this crap ready to move outta here. But, anyway, I don't wanna think about that right now. For the last few months, I have spent way too much time on the computer and being bummed about life. This morning, as I was sitting on the front porch waiting for the bus with my daughter, I was awestruck at how awesome the weather is this morning.

It's like a perfect 60, even now. So, when she left, I spent the last two hours or so mowing the lawn. It kicked my arse but it was very refreshing. I felt human again. It made me thankful again that I can still do that stuff. I always walk like I'm drunk, but, like an old man, I can hobble around and get it done.

It may take me longer but, since I am retired, I don't have to be in a hurry.So, now that I have rested a moment on this brain sucker, I will go take a shower and go get a few items from the store. I am also going to donate some of my uniforms to the Navy base.

Since I just filed for Bankruptcy, I will never be a Naval Officer again, so I won't need those very expensive uniforms and I'm sure they will be a great help to some junior officer.Life is good, painful and challenging but good.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tags:adapt, overcome

Mood:relieved
Music:Whatever by Godsmack


2nd-May-2007 02:59 pm - Whew

It's nice to have clarity and know that going to Florida is right but my human-ness wants it done.

I don't want to wait a couple months. I don't want to move stuff to storage. I don't want to figure out what to bring in my truck. I don't want to wait. This is the ultimate test of the one quality I don't have, patience.

One of the best songs ever is 'Steady as she goes' by Lil Capn Travis. It makes me feel so peaceful.

There is so much to do. It's a very daunting challenge. I am anxious at this point. Now that I have accepted moving down there. I am anxious to start my new life. I am really anxious to get out of this damn big house. When the kids leave after school at the end of the month, things will be cheaper but I will still have to cool this monster. I don't mind living slim but I hate being hot, inside at least.

This house is a bit smaller than the last one but it's still way too much for little ol' me to be rattlin around in. The idea of staying with my brother-in-law for a couple days until I get a place, or even my truck, I don't care, is ok with me. However, all the crap I have to do to get to that point is what keeps my mind a spinnin.

'Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig' Nine Inch Nails is such F it music. Ok, the son is home.

Tags:daunting, f it, fear

Mood:tired
Music:Nine Inch Nails, 'Piggy'